6 years

6 years.  It has been 6 years since I first got to hold you.  6 years since I became your Momma.  6 years into this world of adoption, now fostering...and oh how I am so glad that God only showed me what I needed to see when I needed to see it.  

A lot has happened in 6 years...in our family, in our country, in our world.  But one thing has remained constant...my God has not forgotten. He was never surprised, He was never shaken, He was and is faithful.  

This month, this smell of autumn, also brings about a certain feel to it.  A reminder of that first day in Guangzhou.  And now, 6 years later, looking back, I can see so much more.  Feel free to scroll through my previous blogs (which were very few but meaningful).  Matt and I often look at each other, usually in complete exhaustion, and say "Did you ever think this would be where we would be?".  And the answer usually is no.  I could not have imagined up some of the lessons, divine opportunities, sleepless nights, tearful victories, painful goodbyes and joyous hugs and kisses that have marked our path the past 6 years.  

We have been fostering a little girl for almost 18 months now.  18 months.  There has been a lot on my heart lately, in regards to fostering, adoption, and most importantly our mission on earth to make Christ's name known.  And it seems I can never get the words out to even explain this roller coaster....a roller coaster that started more then 18 months ago, but instead 6 years ago. So it seems fitting, that as we remember this Family Day from 6 years ago...that I also take time to reflect on what the Lord has taught me.  

First, know that most of the time, I can't begin to explain what all God is doing.  That is because I don't know what God is doing.  I know He is here...because there are some details that I have seen play out that only He could orchestrate.  But I will be honest, there are many days...that I just want to know more.  I want to see the bigger picture.  I want to see redemption win.  The ups and downs, the waiting, the 2 steps forward, 1 step back, can definitely cause me to question what He is up to.  But remember how I said, I am so glad God did not reveal to me every detail a moment too soon? That, I guess, is my comfort, that my eyes can only see what He needs me to see. If I knew or saw anymore, I think I would be paralyzed in fear of the things to come.  

We have three girls in our family right now...each one with an incredible story. A story that God is going to use to bring Him glory.  But some of their story, is that...a story between them and God. We as their parents, whatever that "parent" role is...know more details then most.  We hold that sacred and want to protect that story.  I have fallen short in this area.  There are details I have shared, that I honestly wished I wouldn't have.  Not because I want to hide anything...I want to show others God's work and his power. But there is definitely a balance.  As we have stepped into fostering as well, I think I see it even more.  Everyone, or so it seems many, are eager to share their opinions on the situation and how it should or shouldn't end.  First, let me be very clear, there is no "end" to this.  For each of us, our end, is when we are called home and all things are made new.  There may be detours, and new roads and chapters closed. But we believe that all the brokenness we see and feel will not be made whole by anything we say or do, and certainly not by anything any judge orders.  Second, please know that as you enter in to our family, that you do not know every detail.  We don't know every detail.  And I really think this applies to all of our children and just life in general right? It is very easy to see part of a story, and be quick to chime in your thoughts or advice.  Please be slow to speak...quick to listen.  I genuinely cannot express my gratitude to my friends and family who over the past 6 years have been there to check in on us, to ask how we are doing, but to sit and listen, instead of being quick to speak.   Even those friends that I can go months without seeing, but suddenly I get to, and just their hug is all I need to know that they are praying.  No words were needed. I know we have an amazing village who prays fervently for us, even when they have no idea the details to what is going on.  Can I encourage you that if you are one of my silent prayer warriors...your prayers are felt.  And that hug, that prayer, mean more than any advice.  

Remember your audience.  In regards to fostering, remember that we too, are a family that has already been built through adoption. Be gentle and know that our kids can sometimes struggle with this journey, and the ups and downs that fostering brings, has an added layer of complexity to it, when you already have adopted children in your home.  And, if I am being honest, I may be slightly more sensitive to free advice regarding our current journey in foster care, because in the back of my mind and on my heart, I carry the trauma of two beautiful girls who are FOREVER a part of our family. That's a tricky tightrope to walk. So again, I think since most of us, myself included, do not know every detail, the best support you can give, is a hug, a prayer, an open ear. Be gentle with your words, and remember that our home has other little hearts that carry a lot of trauma that we will never be able to understand.  

I think more than anything we have learned, or been challenged in, over the past 6 years, to be more vocal in our faith.  This has looked different for us through different seasons and chapters. But lately, we have literally been given a front seat ticket to step into one of the darkest stories I have seen.  I thought God was calling us to love, and to love hard, even if that meant heart break.  But, my friends, He was really calling us to something so much bigger.  He called us into a war, a battlefield, to fight not just for the children in our home, to be their safe home...but to look beyond the glaring darkness and proclaim to everyone who is involved that they are loved by God regardless.  Maybe we are getting a front row seat to seeing God move in a miraculous way, that may hurt to see and feel, but the eternal seeds will far outweigh the weight we may be feeling.  

So maybe on paper, the goal in foster care, is reunification...but what if it is more?  What if, our focus is less about the details involved (when we know we can't see the full picture anyways), and more about whole-heartedly, unapologetically, being overtly vocal that Jesus Christ is Lord.  He is the healing to this brokeness.  He is the one that brings "reunification".  I don't want this to come across wrong. Because loving others like Christ is exactly what we should be doing. But, what if we made the focus less about earthly mothers, fathers, and children...and more about our one heavenly Father?  Because, if just ONE life hears the good news...then that eternal victory is just that...eternal, forever, never-ending.  

And oh how I wish I could see this victory unfold. Every detail.  I want to speak the name of Jesus and see the fruit.  But, maybe too, I won't see the fruit during my time on earth.  Maybe I am just planting.  But a planted seed, is a planted seed. The harvest is coming.  

My daddy and I love to share songs back and forth.  Music speaks to me...it always has.  And this year, this song keeps echoing. The lyrics. The beautiful reminder that we are on our way home.  So keep sharing, keep proclaiming, keep stepping into the darkest place you can find...and speak His name.  Because one day we will stand before Christ, and I pray, that I can say...that I did everything I could to tell others of this gift that awaits beyond our earthly days...if we just surrender and believe.  How broken hearted would I be to look back at hundreds of faces and say that I prayed for them, or I served them (which are all AMAZING things too)...but I didn't tell them.  

So that's where we are right now...a whole lot of unknowns....but trying to keep our focus on stepping INTO the darkness and speaking eternal truth.  And all our kids...they are in it too. Some days they are more bold then me.  

So if I get quiet when I talk about all the details...it is because I don't know. I don't know what the future will bring for any of our foster children. I don't know what the future will bring for our "healthy" children and our "not so healthy children".  But I do know Christ is our King. And He will win.  We were made for this battle on earth. So let's put on our armor, carry our cross well, and live and speak like you have one mission on earth....to make His name known.  Heaven is coming...we are on our way home. 

"There's no doubt about it, I'm on my way home.  I'm not yet where I am going, but I'm a long way from where I was.  I hear of choir of angels, Cheering me on. I'm not yet where I am going, But I am a long way from where I was."

National Foster Care Month

Well, it's May...and that means it's National Foster Care Month.  I have dragged my feet on gathering my thoughts and words for quite a while now.  Possibly because I still don't have the words to even know how to explain where my heart is at, or where it has been.  Honestly, it is too much for me to even wrap my mind around, and certainly too much to put into words.  But I know, for me, writing is healing, and with time, I am sure the words will find a way to paper.  As the days and weeks go on, maybe the Lord is slowly revealing His work.  But it's really hard to see right now. I know He was there, He is here now, and He will be there...but I don't know (yet) what He is doing.  

As I have shared in previous posts, we halted our process on a third adoption from China. We are still in communication with our agency, and I will never give up on the yearning to step foot in China once again.  But not much has changed since my last post, about relations/travel with China.  Please continue to pray for those families and children who wait.  

In a pursuit of caring for those children who need love, who need a home, we opened our home to foster care. This time, our end goal was different then international adoption.  The goal of foster care is reunification and with time, the Lord prepared our hearts for that.  We are licensed for foster to adopt, meaning we were definitely open to adoption, if it ended in that...but that was not the primary goal.  

The first two months, we received about 10 phone calls from our agency of children who needed a home. Some calls were after we went to bed, others were early in the morning. Sometimes it was a single child, sometimes a sibling set.  All were within the ages of 0-4 years (this is what we set as our limit, because we wanted to keep Charli the youngest for now).  We quickly said yes to (almost) every call. I admit, I nervously said no to the first call...scared about a sibling set, scared the age of one of the kids was older then Charli.  After that, we kind of shifted our mindset to try to not be scared and just say yes.  We quickly learned, that after multiple "yes's" we were definitely not always picked. That is not always a bad thing.  That just means that they found a family physically closer to the biological family, or they just didn't feel we were the right fit.  I will admit too, I began to think something was wrong with me (our family).  But, it was a really really good reminder, that this process is not about me, it was simply about being obedient.  

Early January, we got another call, another Yes, but this time, we got a call back...and a little boy would be joining us the next day.  We were thrilled, scared, all the emotions.  This little (or not so little) boy joined our family, and was with us about 2 months.  Out of privacy for him, and because I don't even know how to comprehend the complexity of the situation, I won't be sharing details.  All I can say, is I loved him.  I miss him.  To be very honest, I feel like I failed at this.  This calling.  I feel like I let him down, I let my family down, the Lord down.  I know that is probably Satan eating at me, wanting to believe his lies.  But, today, I am just not yet at the point, where I can see the battle won.  Right now, I think I am carrying a weight, that I have not been able to let go of yet.  

The only small whisper I can hear from the Lord, is the gentle reminder...that this boy was not mine.  He IS the Lord's.  For 2 months, we physically and tangibly did everything in our power to love and protect him.  And now, I have to trust and believe that the Lord used those months for His good, even if it ended in a way I never imagined.  I also have been reminded, that this sweet boy's story is not over yet either.  I may not be there to see the fruit, to see him grow to love and follow the Lord.  But, the Lord is writing his story...

So, for National Foster Care Month, I wish I had a motivational happy story to share...but right now, I am feeling the weight of a very broken system and a very broken heart. However, I would love to share that there are so many ways you can help, even if you are not a foster parent.  Maybe I will save that for another post.  But please hear me when I say, there is so much we can tangibly do. And where you can't tangibly do some things...pray.  In so many ways, I felt more alone then I ever have, during these 2 months.  But, I did feel the overwhelming support of prayer.  So many were praying for this boy, for our family, during this time.  And that was life-giving, priceless, and a lesson we were able to share first hand with our children. Our kids loved, they prayed, they grieved, they felt anger, they grieved more. They loved hard, struggled hard, prayed hard. And even now..the sweet prayers of our children, and even our neighbors children, lift up this boys name. 

What's next...we are open for respite. Respite is being able to provide more then 72 hours of care for a child in foster care, as a back-up caregiver for foster families.  Overnight babysitters (with background checks, CPR classes, forms etc) can babysit a child in foster care for up to 72 hours. But often families need even more then 72 hours. To do true respite, your house essentially has to be up to code and set up as a foster home.  This means you have all the proper safety measures in place, your house if fully "foster" approved, lots of training...you basically are a foster home.  So for this season, while we try to catch up on a lot that came to a complete halt (like Charli's doctors visits, therapy, therapy and more therapy, working hours for me and a few much needed mini-vacations), we will remain licensed but likely just do respite until the dust settles and we can get some of Charli's (and other kiddos) needs met.  When we do open back up, I think we will have to be a little more narrow on what age/size/needs the child has.  This may narrow the pool of children we can love and serve, but it is not a forever thing.  It just may be what is best for this year or two.  

If you would like to learn more about adoption or foster care, please reach out. I would love to chat.  

Until the next step...we will fix our eyes on things above. My prayer each morning is to lift my weary head again, even if I feel the weight that wants to hold it down.  The verse that our pastor read as Matt and I said our vows 12 years ago..

"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." Colossians 3:2-3

2020...

Well, here we are at the end of 2020, so of course the writer/reflector in me can't help but stop and take a look at 2020.  I think I have heard most people say they cannot WAIT for this year to be over.  I am pretty sure I have said it too.  I know I have.  But when I look back at this year, I can't help but feel a sense of incompleteness.  It can't be done.  There has to be more to this year, to this story.  I could rattle off a long list of bad things that just crumbled on top of each other like a pile of trash at a dumpsite.  But then, I can also see all these little lights...these moments of goodness that may not look goodness at all.  But they are...because He is there.  And His work is not done.  So I think as long as we live in between the now, on Earth, and the not yet, eternity in Heaven...our hearts will never feel complete.  The story isn't over.  My heart yearns for the new year, but further yearns for the completeness I will feel when all is made right and I see Jesus face to face.  So until then...Lord keep molding us, teaching us and reminding us that You are bigger then any virus or circumstance.  

    

One thing I did learn, I am way more of a planner then I thought.  I mean, I knew I was a planner but I think every inch of my being had to be constantly reminded that my planning can tend to shift more towards "control". As I lose my grip on that, it definitely brought out the anxiety and the reminder that I can easily elevate control as an idol. I can rely more on my plans then God's plans.  Lord forgive me for ever thinking I had control.

I also think I learned more about unconditional love then I ever have.  Through various circumstances, I felt and saw this love that ran so deep, that nothing would break it.  I am sure many of you reading this can relate.  That love that hangs on by a thread despite being thrown into the fire.  How can we not possibly see the Lord in this? Friends, it wasn't some love that we mustered up on our own...I think it was instilled in us, by the grace of God.  Lord teach us to love like you...to stand open arms and love, no matter how hard our hearts have been hurt or will be hurt in doing so.

As I have shared in previous posts, we started this year, absolutely believing we were headed back to China to adopt a specific little boy the Lord had laid on our hearts.  We rushed through paperwork and were in full dossier prep mode by the time January 1st was here.  But as things turned out, that wasn't how things were going to go.  But that pursuit led us down another path, that we pray will be a light as well.  I will be honest, we have been licensed for about 2 months now, and though we have received many calls, and said yes many times, we haven't had any little ones join us yet.  I think the two phrases I have said the most the past two months are "I trust you Lord" and "This is not about me."  See, when the motherly instinct in you cries yes to a child that needs a home, and then you are not that home, it is very easy for me to take it personally and think something is wrong with us.  But what is that doing in my mind? It's making it about me.  This isn't about me...this is about children who need love and a home.  Lord forgive me when I lose focus. May we be an open home whenever that time is. 

As we wrap up the year I want to reflect on God's goodness this year.  Thank you Lord for Matt, my children, health, for our jobs, for our home and roof over our head. Thank you Lord for family that lives nearby and family that we can visit in the mountains.  Thank you Lord for forgiveness, and for slow restoration. Thank you Lord for school and that our kids have been able to attend and grow at a sweet new little school this year.  Thank you Lord for our neighbors who have been right there through each passing day of this year.  Thank you Lord for my friends, near and far, old and new.  Thank you Lord for a sweet trip to see some of my closest adoption community friends at the beginning of the year.  Only you know that my heart so needed that trip before the world shut down.  Thank you Lord that a mass found earlier in the year was not cancer.  Thank you Lord for our church...who has served us so well and continued to share your word despite any pandemic.  And finally, thank you Lord for moving even in the absolute brokenness that this year brought. 

And so this year ends....2020 is over...but a much bigger story is not complete.  May we remember the bigger story as we enter 2021 and know that no matter what it brings...He is there, He is good, and He is moving.   

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 Part 7

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 Part 7

September 29th, 2020 

We are about a month into preparing our home to foster.  I feel like a lot of this process looks very similar to international adoption, and parts of it are very different.  I am a little shocked at how quickly it all seems to be moving, but I guess multiple international adoptions prepares you to move at warp speed when you can.  So, as far as what we can do on our end, we are finishing up loose ends.  We had about 35 hours of training to do, which was all virtual sessions.  We had 2 home walk through's, which were also virtual. We safety proofed our house with all the things Texas requires to be a licensed foster home, including lots of locks, fences, fire extinguishers, home rules, pool rules, escape plans, escape ladders, background checks, fingerprints, CPR, medical exams etc.  We have our final walk through (in-person) on Thursday, and our home-study on Friday.  I am not really sure what happens after that. Ha! I just keep doing what I am told. :)

We have began to pray not only for any child that comes in our home, but also for our hearts and our children's hearts.  With another adoption from China, the end goal was always adoption.  This is not the case with fostering.  Are we open to adoption?... absolutely.  But the primary goal is re-unification with birth parents.  Lord teach us to love and serve birth parents well.  This is something I always wished I had a tie to for our girls...I wish I could tell their birth moms they were ok, and that I loved them and they were safe.  So whether a child is with us one day, one year, or longer, I pray I can share with their birth parents that I will love this child like my own and love the birth parents as long as needed...well past any re-unification date. I pray each child will see our love, and see Christ's love through that. And I pray that somehow, any birth parent, will see Christ's love through us as well.  

Will our hearts get broken....? I think almost certainly so.  But isn't that our prayer?  For the Lord to break our hearts for what breaks His.  And if our little bit of brokenness, can bring a little bit of light, the light of Jesus...then it was all worth it.  

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 - Part 6

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 - Part 6 

August 21st 2020

We have now entered the new school year of 2020, and this was not where I thought I would be on Charli's 3rd birthday.  I thought she would turn 3 on a Sunday....and on Monday August 17th, our dossier would be mailed to China. 

We have had some tough conversations the past month with our agency.  As it stands today, there is a way to get our documents through the DC Embassy.  But it would require re-doing our documents...because at this point, they have expired either way.  There is still no movement as far as travel to China.  The cases of this virus seem to continue to rise. Rising case numbers, and the political tension continue. The little girl's file we had been following is now gone. This could mean she was matched, or the file is floating around somewhere, or other situations making her not visible for adoption. But we will not lose hope.  I think that is what the Lord has revealed to me and Matt over the past few weeks...we won't lose hope.  But can we, should we, pause?  Maybe it is possible to pause....but yet somehow keep moving towards the calling to love and serve those without a voice. 

We started to truly open our hearts and eyes to see how we can keep moving, but not give up hope.  After multiple phone calls, emails, conversations and orientations, we learned a lot more about what it would look like to open our home to foster care for this season.  We talked about what bedroom we could use, what new documents and training needed to be done and how to make this happen in the middle of a pandemic.  Somehow, through these conversations, we slowly started feeling a peace cover us the more we walked this way.  Scared, Yes! But also a feeling of strength.  Sad, Yes! But also a feeling of joy.  Overwhelming, Yes!  But also a the feeling of peace. 

After a heartbreaking conversation with our wonderful international adoption agency, we came up with a plan, as to how we would pause and wait for China. Let me be VERY clear here...I cannot and will not say we will not be back to China.  The image of a sweet girl, with a special heart, is still there. The image of multiple children are still there.  3,000 other children are still waiting in China, and that is only on the shared list. That doesn't count the thousands of orphans without a file.  This fight is not over.  We will continue to fight for our daughter's birth country, to pray for those families currently still waiting, and mostly to pray for each child who waits.  But as we wait with hope...we are step by step preparing our home for maybe a child here in Texas that needs that love and hope too.  Maybe it isn't two separate paths after all? Maybe this walk/journey is just going to look a little different then expected?

So we will start the new paper chase again, the new training again, and continue to plead with the Lord to make a way for every child.  We continue to pray for renewed open travel to and from China so adoptions can resume and children will find homes.  But while we wait...may our home be a home of safety and love to one of your children God.  May you prepare our hearts for whatever child comes through our door...our open door.   

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 - Part 5

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 - Part 5 

July 23rd 2020

We just got back from the most beautiful trip to Colorado.  I had a lot of time to reflect on God's goodness and faithfulness as Matt and I hiked Buffalo Mountain.  I will save my reflections on this day for another post.  You can read about it here. But I will say, this trip, and even more specifically that hike, was very needed. 

On the morning of the last day we were there, I opened up the news and the headlines read "Documents burned on the grounds of the Chinese Consulate in Houston" and " Chinese Consulate in Houston ordered to close by US".  That is not a headline that you want to wake up to when you are in the middle of a China adoption.  If you remember, we are specifically waiting for the consulate offices to open, so that all of our dossier documents can be authenticated.  We have been waiting since March.  Now this.  What does this even mean? One other consulate office is open in the US, but the cost and wait to even get our documents certified there is minor compared to the overlying gloom that seems to be cast over US-China relations.  God, please let there be peace, let there be some agreements and civil communication.  Children are waiting...please don't let this be another mountain for them. 

I reached out to our agency...they are gathering information and trying to pass on what they know.  Unfortunately the information they could provide, was that we have now passed a deadline that I knew was looming....documents are only good for 6 months before the expire (once authenticated they are good for a year).  But if you remember, we started this process back in November of last year.  Our documents, one by one, are expiring.  What does that mean...we have to re-do part of our "paper chase".  New documents...that will continue to wait on being notarized, certified and authenticated. This added step also changes the cost and fees that will occur, if we choose to send all the documents through D.C. which still could take months to even be authenticated. 

I don't know. Lord, I refuse to give up on China adoptions.  If we do...who will continue to fight for all those waiting.  Lord, my heart is there...this is our daughter's birth country.  I longed to go back...I thought I heard you calling us to walk this way again.

Matt and I continued to talk about it.  I am more confused then ever.  Maybe we should open our hearts and minds to other ways to serve and love the children who need families.  I think I struggle with this...because the obvious way to serve locally is to foster.  But, as I have mentioned before, you cannot legally pursue international adoption and be licensed to foster in the state of Texas. If we pivot...we have to pause on China.  I don't feel at peace about any option right now...but I don't feel at peace about being idle either.  But I guess that leads me back to my knees...to pray more.  If burning documents in the Houston Chinese Consulate and expiring documents is our next closed door...then where is the open one?

 

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 Part 4

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 Part 4

July 2020

We still feel stuck.  Cases are rising of COVID in the US, China is halting all flights in through October, and our agency can't give us any timeline on when anything could change.  Right now, no families are being allowed into China. No one has traveled since February.  5 months.  The few families that did travel early in the pandemic had to be quarentined 2 weeks in each city and at home. But even that seems impossible right now.

I feel like we have big decisions to make soon. And the weight is hard.  We would love another child, we want to adopt again.  But is it China again God?  Or is it something else? (Again, remember in the state of Texas, you cannot pursue international and fostering). Did I tell you how many children are waiting in the foster care system? Or how many kids with severe special needs are waiting here?  I don't think there is a wrong answer.....I guess just legally we can only pursue one route at a time.

I feel like I am living in a sea of unknown...where I can't see the shore.  I feel like no decision seems to be the right one, because somehow there is a barrier to each way we step.

If not now, when?

In not China, where?

If not her, who?

And maybe even, if not adoption again, then what?

Spirit lead us where are trust is without borders....

Praying for clarity on decisions and praying for China to give us updates on the future of adoption.  And praying the world is seeing you move Lord.  You are the Waymaker.  Now if I just knew which way?

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 Part 3

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 Part 3

May 2020

The heaviness just seemed to be all around.  And it was mounting.  Friends were losing loved ones, marriages were falling apart, child abuse cases were through the roof, the murder of George Floyd, the loss of so many jobs, parents burying their children far too soon, and the unshakable divide in our country was unavoidable.  Things were slowly starting to re-open here in Texas, and for some that caused relief, for others fear.  I always cling to music when I am at a loss for words. The Lord has always used lyrics as a peaceful place to turn my thoughts.  And so these lyrics rang loud on my playlist....

"One day there'll be no more lives taken too soon. 

One day there'll be no more need for a hospital room. 

One day every tear that falls will be wiped by His hand

We will see the promised land

One day there'll be no more anger left in our eyes

One day the color of our skin won't cause a divide

One day we'll be family standing hand in hand

And we will see the promised land, we will see the promised land

Hallelujah, there will be healing

From this heartbreak we've been feeling

We'll sing in the darkest night'Cause we know that the light will come

And there will be healing, hallelujah

One day every knee will bow, every tongue will confess

One day when our tired and weary bones find their rest

One day when the power of evil is brought to an end

We will see the promise land"

The Lord was moving. I know He was.  

We continued to wrestle with the wait.  We took the last tiny steps at finishing our dossier documents and were just waiting for them to be authenticated.  

One day I did stumble across a little face on Facebook being advocated for.  This time it was a little girl, with congenital heart disease.  Should I ask to see her file?  I don't even know if this is where the Lord is leading us? But I went ahead and emailed our agency. I assumed she would be quickly matched.  They notified me that there were in fact multiple families looking at her file. I hesitated...because I wasn't sure what I would do if I saw her face.  And I also wasn't sure what my heart would do if she would be matched with another family.  But, I asked to see it.  So we quickly reviewed her information.  It was way more medically complex then I could wrap my mind around.  My little experience with pediatric cardiology had me stumped at how this girl was even alive. And we prayed, again.  God, if she is not supposed to be in our family, please have her be matched quickly.  I remember praying this prayer for a little boy half a year ago...and the Lord answered.  So, I cautiously opened my hands again to the Lord's will. Simultaneously, we were a little paralyzed by fear.  Fear that what if this is our daughter...how are we going to get her home.  She would definitely be a medical expedite...but families can't even fly into China right now? 

I will be honest. I struggled. Hard.  Amber alerts were going off on my phone multiple times a week, CPS cases were on the rise, and I truly wrestled with where the Lord was leading us.  Do we keep moving towards China...or do we take a turn and focus on a domestic adoption given the current international and viral climate.  You can't do both here in Texas, according to our states laws.  What if there was a child, right now...in the US...that was supposed to be with us? Lord...please speak.  I wanted a clear answer. I wanted the resounding booming voice to just tell me. 

But there still was not a peace.  Only bits of peace for itty bitty steps.  We would keep researching this little girl's hearts needs...as we finalized our dossier.  Lord, whether it is us, or another family, please bring her to the US soon...so she can know the love of a family, regardless of what her medical future may hold.  Lord lead us...each step.  

Adoption /Foster Journey #3 Part 2

March 2020

Around this same time, we had heard of COVID and the virus spreading in China.  At the time, I honestly was not too concerned.  I didn't see the magnitude of it.  Never did I imagine it would actually affect my day to day life.  But within a matter of weeks, I watched as the virus spread across the globe and not one person I knew was not affected by it in some way.

I won't go into detail, but there were other circumstances and events that were happening within our family that honestly just made me question so much and made me ask a lot of very hard questions to the Lord.  I felt like my faith was so weak because each day I felt surrounded by questions of why something was happening and where was God in this? 

Each day as my heart felt faint, subtle reminders were also there.  I knew God was there...I knew He was moving.  But I could not see what He was doing.  I wanted to see Him step in and save the day, to see redemption win.  But that sight was not yet one for my feeble eyes to see.  So the only truth I could cling to, was He was there...through each crashing wave. 

When you start to question what God is doing...and when the whole world around you seems to be stuck in a war zone, it was easy and natural to question again where the Lord wanted us? Were we to sit still, as the rest of the world sits still?  But God...there are children waiting.  God, I know this is hard to be in my house 24/7, to not be able to see my family and friends like I used to...but God, some children would give anything to live this quarantine.  I am worried about if I have enough groceries to stock pile for 2 weeks...and there are children who don't even know if they will get a meal that day.  How selfish am I? My country, though it is not perfect, will take care of my illness and my kid's illness if I walk into any hospital.  Many children are left abandoned without a chance to see the doors of a hospital. 

During this time of reflection and questioning God, we slowly opened ourselves back up to the idea...that maybe there was a child out there waiting to join our family.  Our homestudy was done, we could technically continue to move forward.  But state and local government offices were closed and these needed to be opened for us to proceed with our dossier.  At this same time, all travel to China was banned.  I know personally several families who were weeks away from stepping on a plane to bring home their child...and now they are stuck.  As the news stories ran each night, an unsettling feeling just honestly lingered over the entire thing.  While we were affected by the virus at one level, there is another level that adoptive families (past, present or future) were wrestling with.  How is this going to affect the future for the children who wait?  Will China halt adoptions all together?  When will the travel ban lift? What could this look like if we did travel?  Any story over the relations between the US and China just honestly was sickening to watch.  Fear was already there for the entire world I think...but this particular fear was over our relationship with my daughter's birth country and what the future would hold. In the back of my mind the question was always there...will I ever step foot in China again? And if not, how will we bring this child (whose face I have not seen) home?

Ultimately we were forced to "wait" in the next step to finishing our dossier.  We had to wait for government offices to open back up and then would have to decide if we moved forward with our dossier...not knowing what the future would bring. 

I'll be honest, in this time of waiting, I was scared to see my child.  If I saw them, my heart would break more, knowing there was a possibility we could not bring them home quickly  So we cautiously continued to follow waiting children, we waited for China to release files (which was not happening because of COVID) and we prayed for peace as we wrestled with a myriad of unknowns. 

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 Part 1

 February 2020

We kind of always said we would be done after 4 kids.  Four children felt like a lot.  Most days, OK all days, felt like we were barely surviving.  But, then we would joke, maybe one more.  I would find myself thinking through logistics of how to arrange car seats and how on earth we could possibly afford another adoption.  I don't know why...but I was concerned what people would think. They would think we were crazy.  Especially if you saw me on a day to day basis and saw how frazzled our days could be, how messy our house was, how we were already running from one appointment to another, from therapy visit to another therapy visit.

But what if...none of that mattered? What if there was one more child...waiting...that we could love? What if my biggest failures on a day to day basis were nothing too big for God, who promises that where He leads, He will provide and make a way.  What if this was one more opportunity to show God's love? What if my heart needed to be broken more and more to a point of total dependence? What if our crazy yes was what the Lord longed to hear...not the groan of a fearful no?

After about one year of Charli being home (August 2019) we started discussions more and more.  Where was the Lord leading us next? International adoption, foster care, private adoption, an international move for missions or work? Lord, just show us.  Some days Matt and I were on the same page and other days we were feeling led towards different paths. So we continued to pray. Lead us into the unknown...a radically different life of unknowns.

If you haven't read this book...I highly recommend it. Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream

One day, once again, scrolling through Facebook, I came across the sweetest little boy being advocated for.  Oh, if I could share his sweet smile. His determination.  He was about 2 and a half years old and had a condition called Arthrogryposis that affected all four limbs.  His file had been prepared for quite sometime, and no family had said yes.

So one day in August 2019, Matt texts me..."I think we should adopt _____."  (Insert panic yet joy simultaneously in my heart).  See, we are not eligible yet, Charli was only 2 years old. We couldn't begin the process for another 4-6 months.  And this medical need, was definitely one we had not dealt with before. Would he be able to walk? Would he be able to use his hands?  Would he ever be able to live independently? Who are the best doctors for this? Does insurance cover this, because therapy for Charli often felt like a battle.  So, I just prayed...Lord bring him his forever family, fast. But that didn't feel like enough...we had to start researching.  Matt and I both did more research over the next 2-3 months then we ever have on any one condition.  It was scary, but it seemed like we were doing what we were supposed to do. We felt confident the Lord wanted to lead us this way.  I continued to follow his file...had he been matched yet? Has any family said yes?  Lord, is it us?

We started to approach the mark where we could pursue a new home study and sign with our agency.  Again, it all sounded crazy...we wouldn't tell a soul...I didn't want to hear any opinions.  I just needed to hear the Lord.  So we started...and paper chased...and kept praying.  Our social worker came out around Christmas 2019 and we quickly were finalizing our home study.  (Remember we also have to have a completed home study to submit an LOI for a waiting child...we could submit an LOI in February 2020).  Our agency had been in contact with the current agency that had his file, which we had now reviewed, and had several physicians review, and this agency did not have anyone moving forward.  Could it really be? Is this our son? We started to dream together. We dreamed up setting up our garage to a physical therapy gym. We dreamed of hiking with him on Matt's back.  We dreamed of him sharing a room with the boys.  It's hard to not let your heart dream...even when you try to be guarded.  But that's what your heart does...when it sees and feels love...it lets it's guard down and just dreams, and loves.

I can't remember the exact date...but I got a call from my agency.  I figured they were calling to update me on home study logistics.  But this call was different.  I could tell in her tone that was not why she was calling. This sweet little boy, who we had rushed to complete a home study for, who we had dreamed about, who we had grown to already love, had been matched with another family who's home study was approved and ready.

I remember pacing the driveway, listening to her talk...trying to hold back the tears.  "It's ok...this was my prayer...that he would find his forever family...and if it wasn't us, that there was another family who loved him and would race to bring him home." This was my prayer...all along. I just didn't think that was how the story was supposed to end.  It was bittersweet..I went from advocating for him myself, on my own Facebook page, praying for him to find a family, then slowly falling in love, thinking I was walking in obedience.  One less. That day, he had a family say yes, and I had to cling to that joy.  Joy for him, and joy for this family.

I'm not going to lie. I mourned. I cried. I cried a lot. I felt guilty for mourning and for crying.  He had a family...how selfish of me? But why Lord...did we hear you so loud to move? To move for him?  But I guess that is the path of walking into the radical unknown...what lies ahead is not what is expected.  But it doesn't mean it was wrong.  The Lord was still there...He was our guide, our Shepard. So, now we mourn, but we also rejoice for one less. We rest in Him, for a moment, to take a breath from this race.  And we continue to fix our eyes on things above...and not strain our eyes to see what lies ahead.

So now what? Were we wrong in moving forward anymore down this path? Is there a side trail...maybe a detour route we should be taking? Lord lead us.  Maybe we were supposed to open up our home for foster care...or move to the Phillipines for Matt's work? Speak Lord speak.  I wish I could say I had some vivid dream or heard some loud booming voice. But I didn't.  But, that doesn't mean He wasn't there. "Be still and know that I am God."

So we paused.  But not really, because at this point, all of our documents and visits were done for our home study. Fees were already paid. We were going to have an approved home study either way.  So we let the agency do their work...and we were still.  

I continued to follow advocacy posts. And eventually our homestudy was done. But the peace of moving forward with a specific child just wasn't there.   I asked our agency about several children, but the peace I have had before never came.  Lord...what is your desire?

TBD...

"Whatever your plan is You will make a way for it Whatever Your will is Come and do it here" - Bethel Music

Mountains upon Mountains

This past week, our family took a much needed trip to Colorado. We basically hadn't left our house since mid-March, so the idea of changing our quarantine view sounded amazing.  Matt's sister and brother-in-law live in Denver, so it all worked out perfectly that we were able to spend time with family but also escape the Texas heat and enjoy some new views.

When we got there, Matt had plans to hike several mountains including Mt Elbert, Colorado's tallest mountain.  But on Day 1 of the trip, Matt had the great idea of just him and I taking a day to the mountains.  His mom was also traveling with us, so there was extra help to watch the kids, and we could have a real date.  When he first mentioned it, I laughed, not thinking he was serious.  But it didn't take long to convince me that his idea sounded amazing, and better then any dinner date or fancy outing.

When I started to think back, our last "date" was right before COVID hit...March 7th...our anniversary.  We had planned this weekend well in advance to stay at the Gaylord for one night and divide the kids up amongst family and friends.  It would be our first night away from Charli (she had been home 19 months).  We were so excited to have a 24 hour local get-a-way.  Well, about 10 days before this, I found out that I had 2 orange size masses that were growing on my left ovary.  What started out as a quick doctor's visit, quickly escalated into a surgery the following week to remove the masses and possibly ovary.  The surgery was 2 days before our "date".  Luckily, this was a day surgery, and I was able to go home and sleep in my own bed.  We debated cancelling our date, considering I was going to be very sore, not walking very quickly and the looming biopsy results would not be back yet.  But, in sickness and in health, we choose to still go, and celebrated our anniversary in bed, watching a movie, ordering room service and tried to just enjoy the quiet time together, regardless of what that week brought, or what diagnosis may be in the near future.  We had a wonderful time, though it was definitely not what we had originally planned.  And for the good news...a few days later we got a call that caused a sigh of relief...benign.  NO cancer.  Praise the Lord!

"Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18

So, back to Colorado.  We were getting our next chance at a "date"...and the mountains were calling our name! We arrived at the base of the mountain around 7:30 am and it was supposed to be a 2.5 mile hike up and down (5 miles total).  We had been warned by someone who had already hiked this mountain that there was a large boulder section that was quite tough.  No biggie we thought.  We had no kids with us, so surely we could do it.  Matt packed his backpack full of water and snacks and off we went.  I'll admit, I actually brought my headphones. I wanted to just listen to praise and worship music simultaneously as we hiked, sort of my calming yet motivating music for my soul.  Maybe a mile or two in, we passed through a small boulder section.  We thought that was the "boulder section". Ha. We had NO idea what was ahead.  I was starting to feel a little tired, but surely we had to be getting close to the top.  Then, as we started to near the tree line...we saw what looked like a never ending tower of rocks/boulders with no end in sight.  Hmm...should we turn around??

I remember telling Matt, I am really glad I did NOT know what actually was ahead and waiting for us.  If I would have known, that I would have to climb THAT, I would have jumped ship before it even sailed.  No way.

Now isn't that how God protects us sometimes?...by not letting us see the giant mountain that awaits us.  Because if we KNEW the mountain that was ahead...would we walk that way? Or would we coward in fear and make excuses for why we can't do something?

"I will walk by faith even when I cannot see." 2 Corinthians 5:7

Doesn't he sometimes know, that it is for our good, to merely trust Him, and to follow Him, into a point where you are now so far in, that turning around is not an option.

Matt quickly learned, that we had to follow the cairns.  These were small little stacks of rocks that would guide us up the larger rocks.  There wasn't really a path.  There was just rocks.  But someone, had gone before us, and placed these cairns as markers to follow...to lead us through stable rocks, to keep our feet from hitting the smaller weaker rocks.

Again, I saw the Lord in this.  Isn't that the reality of our lives sometimes.  The reality that we often can't see a path.  But the Lord has gone before us, and paved the way...guiding our steps.

"Do not be afraid or discouraged for the Lord will go before you. He will be with you. He will never fail or abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:8

The scary part about these boulders, is you truly couldn't see where the end was.  I remember being about an hour into the boulders and some people were turning around.  I remember thinking...if only I knew when this would end.  But when I tried to look up the mountain, I just got scared and overwhelmed.  It was too much.  All I saw were boulders...there was no end in sight.

Again..the Lord speaks.  How often do we cry out...if only I knew when this would end...if only I could see what lies ahead.  But when we try to look up and ahead we strain and blind our eyes to the step that lies in front of us.  The Lord does not call us to see the end goal...no He calls us to follow Him, one step at a time.

So cairn after cairn...we climbed.  Each one was one step closer.  We weren't sure where the summit was, but as long as we followed each cairn...we would make it there.  I stopped and told Matt, "I feel like this is exactly where I am at."  Living in a world of unknowns, not seeing an end in sight, not even seeing the path...but having to focus on the cairn in front of me...not the endless boulders that lie ahead.

Aside from the obvious COVID situation that is causing our entire world to be living in day after day of unknown...we have also been walking through some very personal other situations this past year, that once again, seem like an endless mountain...with no path...just boulders.  But oh how my heart was lifted, when He reminded me, that through all of this, He walks before me.  I need not worry what lie ahead, or when we will reach the finish line, or even what the finish line looks like...just forge ahead, one cairn at a time.

As we got closer to the top, we started to pass people who had already summitted and were on their way back down.  We would stop person after person, how close are we to the top?? Are we almost there?  There was such a beautiful encouragement from those coming back down.  An encouragement, that we would get there, and it would be beautiful.

"I lift my eyes to the mountains, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2

Again...the Lord speaks.  Who are those people in your life? Those who have walked beside you, or even ahead of you, to tell you it's going to be OK.  To encourage you, that even though you can't see over this boulder, there is beauty on the other side.

Finally, several hours into our hike (which was WAY longer then the predicted 2.5 miles up)...we reached the summit. I looked down in awe that somehow we made it up without breaking any bones! Seriously though...it was pretty amazing/frightening to look down.

As we looked all around us, the beauty that filled the sky, I couldn't help but notice all the other mountains.  This was just one mountain, among many others. They surrounded us.

And so we would begin our journey down...slippery...and still needing to follow one cairn after another to get back down.  But the hundreds of mountains still surrounded us.  Each one a little different I am sure, each one with it's own purpose and beauty.  So even though we may have reached the peak of this one...we are promised more.

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you, as something strange were happening to you. But rejoice as you share in Christ's suffering, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." 1 Peter 4: 12-13

I am glad I don't know what all lies ahead and the mountains we will face.  I don't know how many more mountains we will climb in this world until we are done.  But one thing I do know...our work on this side of heaven is not done.  No mountain, or valley, or summit, or plain will lead us to the point where we should say " I am finished, my work here is complete".  No, there are mountains to climb, cairns to follow, with one final summit in sight...our heavenly home.  So, until He calls me home, may I remember to keep my eyes on Him (the cairn) in front of me, and may I never fear the next mountain.

" I press on the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14"