Have you ever noticed the beauty of a stone?Take a wedding ring…it’s often a beautiful
stone that is complimented by either other stones, or an additional band. It’s
perfect and unique. Though other stones out there may look similar to an outsider,
your ring is completely unique.And you
can’t imagine it any other way.
A lesson that has been slowly revealed to me over the past year
or so is the perfect and unique nature of each of our lives.Just like a beautiful wedding ring, our story,
because it is written by God, is perfect and unique.Every second of our lives were weaved
together, like a patch on a quilt, to complement each other and in the end, create
a beautiful masterpiece.Every crushing
trial and every joyous blessing, as it passed through the hands of our God, was
perfect and unique to our life story.
I bought two beautiful rings recently from James Avery, to
remember two lives that were important to me.They were two birthstone rings, so I had no choice in the color, but God
did.And as I slipped my two new rings
on my finger, I couldn’t help my smile through my sadness, that these two
stones complimented each other.I couldn’t
imagine one without the other.They were
perfect. And alone or apart from each other, it would be a totally different.And so I was reminded, that each step in our
journey here on earth, was created to all be interwoven to create a
masterpiece.Through life’s first cry,
to death’s final breath, HE is doing something in you, creating a masterpiece.
Sometimes, when you are in the storm, you can’t see the
beauty and you definitely can’t see the why behind it.I will be honest, there are so many things I
can think of, that I still don’t understand why.But I do know, that is wasn’t meaningless.And one day, when I am standing before the
thrown, it will all make sense.That
beautiful quilt, filled with crushing trials and numerous mountaintops, will be
revealed in full.And it will honor
Him.It will glorify Him.Because I didn’t create it, only He did.He knew what patch would accentuate the
other, He knew the color of each thread.
So be reminded today, that whether you have just witnessed
the miracle of life as a new cry filled the room, or whether you said goodbye
too soon to someone that you loved, that God is there. Whether you are in a
season of waiting, a season of loss, or a season of overwhelming blessings, He
is there. When all else changes, He is constant.He is good.
My mind seems to always find its way back to some dark
days.Often, at night, when everyone
else is sleeping…which, explains why I am writing this at 2am on a night I can’t
sleep.This is about 2 years
overdue.But, as part of trying to process
some past feelings (or feelings that still can haunt me at night) I thought I
would try to journal.Maybe, this can
bring some peace…if not to me, then maybe to someone else.
PPD (Post-Partum Depression)…I had heard of it and read all
about it before I had Wyatt.http://www.postpartumprogress.com/the-symptoms-of-postpartum-depression-anxiety-in-plain-mama-englishHaving a 15 year history of depression and
anxiety prior to Wyatt, I knew that this was a possibility.But, I guess, minus the hyperemesis
gravidarium during pregnancy….I was feeling great.I was excited, not really scared, and
definitely not depressed.I was prepared
for this baby, had read every baby book I could find, was completely convinced
I would have a successful vaginal delivery and of course breast-feed for a full
year.Mind over matter…right?
Well, the Lord had slightly different plans.Without going into too many details on Wyatt’s
birthday…I will say I ended with C-Section.At first, it didn’t shake me too much. Honestly, I had such a long
difficult labor that just finally getting to know if it was a boy or a girl, a
daughter or a son, was all I could wrap my mind around.I couldn’t believe it…a boy. My precious son…Wyatt
Locke.You were here and healthy…I loved
you.
Fast-forward about 5 days.Honestly, I remember it pretty vividly.The day my milk came in. LBefore I knew it, it was as if this monster
of fear had engulfed my mind.I sobbed
as the nurses told me I had to go home.And the sobbing didn’t stop…
What was wrong with me?Here I was with a healthy baby, and it took everything in me to keep it
together.My mind just raced with
anxiety.Irrational fears that I couldn’t
soothe my baby, that I couldn’t feed my baby, that I would fall asleep and miss
something and he would be harmed.The
anxiety was crippling, like I was moving in slow-motion through a movie.All the visitors, and their happy voices,
were piercing to my heart.Couldn’t they
see it? Couldn’t they see that I was incapable of raising a baby?
This anxiety just fed the depression.Day by day, hour by hour, I began to be
convinced that I would never be the mom God intended me to be.Flashbacks of pushing and pushing and pushing
and still no baby…that had to be my fault right?Not to mention, that I would just be
paralyzed each time I fed Wyatt.I am
not sure if it was fear or sadness that crippled me…but I felt frozen in
time.Breastfeeding HAS to work though…I
already had a C-Section, now if I can’t breastfeed, I really am a failure.
I dreaded the phone calls, texts, people coming to
visit.I just tried to act like it was “Great”
and that I was just sleepy.But if they
only could see into my mind.My perfect
and amazing husband recognized it all before I did.I couldn’t eat…not even bagel bites. J I just wanted to
sleep.But when I would wake up I would
just cry more.I didn’t want to “harm”
myself…but I just didn’t want to “be.” I didn’t want to wake up because these “daymares”
and tears would continue.And if one
more person asks me “Are you nursing” I really might lose it.When did that become a question that ANYONE
felt like they could ask.That question
was a dagger to the heart.I would
answer “I am trying…”
Add on guilt…guilty I had a C-Section, guilty I was having trouble
with feeding, guilty I was anxious, guilty I was stricken with sadness and
guilty that all while I was having these feelings, I had dear friends who were
praying fervently for a child of their own.Why did the Lord give me this child?Obviously, I can’t do it…and there are others who would love the opportunity
to raise a child, and they would be a “super-mom.”Not me…no super mom here.
A few weeks went by…and each day got worse and worse.Being so hard on myself, I ignored some
classic signs of mastitis.Before I knew
it I had another medical issue that I let get out of control.So, finally, between this and the emotional
pit I was in…I finally went to see my OBGYN.
We talked through everything, the guilt, the C-Section, breastfeeding,
my history of depression/anxiety, mastitis. First up to address…mastitis…Not
just, fever, flu-like symptoms, antibiotics will make it better mastitis.Mastitits with an abscess that bought me a
double biopsy because the muscle tissue was so damaged from the infection.Second up…the anxiety/depression.I so wanted to will my way through this
one.But given the fact that I was
barely eating, having extreme panic attacks and of course my long history … her
recommendation was to start taking a medication for PPD.There were a couple of options, but going
with my history and what had worked in the past, we came up with a regimen that
would hopefully quickly work.This is
exactly what I was on up until the day I found out I was pregnant, when I
stopped everything .Unfortunately, this
regimen, was a no-go for breastfeeding.I knew that stopping breastfeeding would in itself help alleviate the
depression and was also the recommendation from the breast doctor after my
biopsys.But the guilt…felt
crushing.
So, I started on my new regimen.And we started formula.I couldn’t watch the first time Matt gave him
a bottle.It broke my heart.I was failing.Visitors continued to come…”Are you nursing?”“How is breastfeeding?”…each time a dagger to
my heart.Seeing my friends nurse, or
even the nursing room at church, again…a punch in the stomach.A good friend kept gently reminding me…”Wyatt
needs a healthy mommy more than breastmilk”Thank God for this friend…those were the words I needed to hear.
My family and husband constantly reminded me “You are a
great mom”…those are the words I needed.
Another healing moment for me…a dear friend and her mom came
over to bring food.Her mom is a prayer
warrior. This same mom who prayed with me during high-school as I suffered
through depression then, was here on my couch 10 years later.She didn’t come to give advice, she just came
to listen, to hug me and pray for me.I
sobbed…but these tears were different, they were healing.That’s what I needed, someone to listen…someone
to point me back to the Ultimate Healer, someone who could pray for me, as I
was too weak to pray.
Fast forward 1 month later…the world was looking
brighter.I was laughing, smiling…(ok,
actually I was still pretty stressed out over a crying baby…but I could totally
handle it!).I wasn’t paralyzed anymore…I
was just a normal new mommy, who definitely still has her breakdown moments,
tears and was exhausted. But deep down…I was joyous, despite normal daily ups
and downs.I didn’t feel like a
failure.Breastfeeding still haunted me
some…still does today.But, I love my
son, I love him with every ounce of me.And whether it was medication, stopping breastfeeding, lots of prayer or
a combo of it all…I could be Wyatt’s mommy.God made ME to be HIS mommy.His
plan was different then mine, and in the end…I think this whole experience reminded
me that He is in control, He is the ultimate healer, and to seek his approval
not man’s.
A few thoughts for things you can do if you know someone who
is suffering from PPD or has in the past…
1)Be sensitive to their birth story.Each story is different and God created that
story.But know that for some, there is
a mourning process associated with it.Some
women will mourn not ever having a true “pregnancy” but their birth story being
one of adoption.Some women will mourn
over not conceiving the way they had envisioned. Some women will mourn not
having a vaginal delivery.Be sensitive to
this…and remember God writes our story, so each story is perfect.
2)Be sensitive to breastfeeding.First, is it really your place to ask a women
if she is nursing? There were many who would ask me this when it was totally
appropriate, but I also had complete strangers ask me. Really? None of your business.
Some women never produce enough milk, some babies have an allergy so severe they can’t
take their moms milk, some women suffer other illnesses that require them to be
on medications they don’t want to expose their child too, some women physically
can’t due to latching issues, some women have premature babies and can only do EBM, some women go back to work at 6 weeks and are at a
job that pumping is nearly impossible.For all these women, they may be mourning not breastfeeding.Please , be sensitive in your comments on
this subject.
3)Be sensitive to PPD….Do not ask “What is wrong
with you?” or “Why are you crying?”.Trust me…these just make us feel worse.
4)Don’t say “It’s going to get better.” Or “It won’t
be as bad the second time”.I know these
actually seem like very encouraging statements. But, in the moment of PPD, we don’t
really need advice, and honestly you don’t know when it’s going to get better…1
week, 6 weeks, 6 months. Only God knows. So, instead, pray that it DOES get
better and gets better FAST.Instead of
assuming round 2 will be better, which in my mind minimizes the first episode,
listen to their concerns and PRAY against it the second time.Help them set up accountability to see an MD
when things aren’t looking up, help them set up appts with counselors, help them
recognize symptoms earlier, tell them that they are a GREAT mom.
5)Find anyone to talk to who has had PPD (not just baby blues).It always helps to talk to someone who knows
those feelings.If you don’t know
anyone.Here is a helpful website http://www.postpartumhealthalliance.org/If you have had a C-Section and needing encouragement
I recommend joining your local ICAN chapter.They are very supportive and often women who experienced a C-Section
have higher rates of PPD…so they are full of great information on the topic and
support groups.Breastfeeding support
groups I have heard are great for this too if you are still breastfeeding.
6)I didn’t really know anyone who had gone through
PPD, except 1 work friend. And it wasn’t until I read Down Came the Rain by
Brooke Shields that I finally felt “normal”.There was someone else out there that had been though those dark
days.A quote from her book…"I was in a bizarre state of mind," Shields describes,
"experiencing feelings that ranged from embarrassment to stoicism to
melancholy to shock, practically at once. I didn't feel at all joyful."
Shields assumed she'd bounce back in a few days, after resting from her
difficult labor. Instead, her feelings intensified: "This was sadness of a
shockingly different magnitude.It felt as if it would never go away."
"Find rest, oh my soul, in God alone. My hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation: he is my fortress, I will not be shaken" Psalm 62:5-6
ALL SMILES NOW :)
JJ Heller's "I Get to Be the One"
"I get to be the one to hold your hand I get to be the one. Through birthdays and broken bones I'll be there to watch you grow I get to be the one.
How does someone so small Hold my heart so tightly..."
I love you Wyatt Locke...you are my prince and I would do it all again just to see your face.
I promise, one day, I will post about Wyatt's birthday, but today I wanted to share and reflect on all the Lord has taught me since our precious baby boy came into our lives on June 15th.
1) The Lord showed me that my plan is not always His plan: For those who have heard Wyatt's birth story, it was definitely not what I had planned, but looking back it was perfect and beautiful. Ultimately, I am healthy and Wyatt is healthy and that is more than I could ever ask for.
2) I learned that I cannot do it on my own: Those first few weeks were very difficult; as I am sure they are for every new parent. I remember lying in my bed asking the Lord why he was not helping, and then I realized I had not asked. I was definitely begging for help during labor, but once Wyatt was here, it was like I forgot to ask for help from the one who could help me the most. No, He didn't miraculously step in and have Wyatt never cry or sleep perfectly through the night...but He did give me strength and the gift of patience that I did not have before.
3) Selflessness: The Lord first started to teach me about this when I got married. But, a baby...wow! All the time, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, that precious baby comes before you and your needs. You sacrifice your sleep for his, your warm meal to feed him, your shower for an extra minute to console him, your routine for his routine....but it's so worth it. And ultimately, I was reminded that these small sacrifices are NOTHING compared to Jesus who sacrificed His life for ours.
4) We are blessed: The outflow of love from our family and friends has been overwhelming. Matt and I are so blessed to have so many people praying for us and helping us as we make this new journey.
I can't believe that my 12 weeks with Wyatt is over and that I return to work tomorrow. It breaks my heart to think about leaving him. I could sit and stare at him forever. But, I have had 85 days with my sweet baby boy. 85 days to bond with him and to learn all of these life lessons I have shared...and for that I am grateful. Obviously, for those who know me well, you know I work in a field where sweet babies may never make it to 85 days. I know so many people who would give anything for 85 days. Matt and I have prayed every night since Wyatt was born, for those new parents, for those who are pregnant, and those struggling to conceive. And, we will continue to do so. Becoming a parent has truly been life changing, and as I go back to work I can smile knowing that our Father in heaven is watching over Wyatt. And even if on some days, I only get to rock Wyatt to sleep at night that is still an amazing gift that I will cherish and be so thankful for!! So, tomorrow I am going to try my hardest to focus on what I am thankful for: That I have a healthy baby boy, that I have a loving husband who will be so supportive during this transition, that I have an amazing job that is also so supportive, that I have amazing parents and in-laws who are going to watch Wyatt and that our Father in heaven has a perfect plan for our family. I can't promise I won't cry and that I won't be sad...but maybe if I try to remember this, it will help ease the transition.
Wyatt Locke, I love you soooo much and I cannot wait for you to one day see how much that not only your father and I love you, but for you to learn how much God loves you. You are a blessing!
So everyone, including Matt and I, are wondering if this baby growing inside me is a boy or a girl? To clear this up...WE DO NOT KNOW!! No, we are not being mean and just not telling people. We honestly do not know. Do we want to know the gender of the baby? Of course! But we would prefer to wait until June to find out. Our doctor does not know and the sonographer did not even look in that "area." So, the only one who knows the gender of this sweet baby is God. I have had some people make comments that they didn't know how I could fully bond with the baby without knowing the gender? Seriously?!? Do you think a women who is told she is having a boy and later finds out that it is a girl loves that baby any less? Probablly not.
We are are so blessed beyond measure to be carrying this baby and whether it is a boy or a girl...we are already in love with it! Our God created this being and knows the every detail of it's genetic make-up. And in just 2 months...we will finally get to meet this gift! This is one surprise we will never forget!
So....until then....it sure is fun to guess!!! Here are some old wives tales and my responses about gender prediction...
1) If you prefer to sleep on your left side then it is BOY!2) If have nausea and vomiting really bad throughout pregnancy then it is a GIRL!3) If you have dry skin during pregnancy then it is a BOY!4) If you have been craving fruits and sweets during pregnancy then it is a GIRL!5) If your face is breaking out and reminds you of when your were in middle school it is a GIRL!6) If you have not had a lot of weight gain in your face then it is a BOY!7) If a toddler that your know shows no interest in the baby growing in your belly then it is a BOY!8) The Chinese Gender Chart predicts BOY!9) If you are carrying high it is a girl...if you are carrying low it is a boy....(I have no idea...see pics below to make your own prediction)10) If the baby is the shape of a basketball it is a boy...if it is the shape of a watermelon it is a girl...(Again, I have no idea...see pics below to make your own prediction)30 Weeks... 24 Weeks... 24 Weeks...
We have been studying Philippians in our home group and one of the questions that keeps coming up is "What stirs your affection for the Lord?" and "What robs your affection for the Lord?" I think other nations stir my affection for the Lord. I think it is so amazing to see the God of the universe work in areas that I did not even know exist. It reminds me of just how BIG our God truly is. I think music also stirs my affection for the Lord. I have always been one that music helps me focus, helps me study better, run faster or just work harder. Worship music helps me to stop my racing thoughts about all that is going on and just focus on Him.
Something else that I have been thinking about lately is those moments in life that cause me to bow at the feet of Christ. Maybe it was a time when I felt so helpless that all I knew was to go to the cross. Or maybe it was a time when I was so overwhelmed with joy and I stopped to realize that our God deserves all the thanks and praise. Whatever the situation may be, I pray that I am consumed by these moments. I know that when we wander from the cross that the Lord never leaves us, but I wish I never wandered. I wish that every second of every day that I am constantly seeking the Lord. Unfortunately, I confess, I still wander. Today I pray again..."Lead me to the Cross."
Starting February 14th, it is a 3 week long celebration at our house. First Valentine's Day, then my birthday, then our anniversary. This year we decided to go to San Diego to celebrate. Though the weather was not so friendly (the only time we walked on the beach we got hailed on) we still had a great time. We ate lot's of good food and got plenty of rest. We also made a trip to the San Diego Zoo, which was not quite as exciting as our safari in Botswana, but still definitely worth the trip! Here are some pictures from the trip!
Since not all my family is on Facebook, I decided I should start a blog for Matt and I so we can keep everyone updated. Warning: I am not very computer saavy, so I can't promise much. But I will definitely try. I have really enjoyed reading some of my dearest friend's blogs over the year, so they have inspired me! A will try to do a quick recap of what Matt and I have been up to...
March 7th, 2009: I could write a book on this perfect day...but since most of you were there I will keep it short. One of my favorite pictures is the one below. Not only can you see a proud daddy about to give his daughter away, but you can see the absolute excitement of a bride about to marry her groom. When I think about my emotions at this moment, finally seeing Matt, I am reminded of this beautiful song we sing in church. It's called "You're Beautiful" by Phil Whickham. Basically, it describes the beauty of arriving in eternity to meet our heavenly father. I can't even begin to comprehend what it will be like when we see our Savior face-to-face...but I can't help but believe the emotions I felt this day were a glimpse of what is to come.
Summer 2010: As you all know I had spent two summers in Zambia, Africa, my home away from home. Well this past summer, Matt and I got to experience this trip together. This trip brought a different type of excitment. Seeing my girls from the previous years was AMAZING...but seeing my husband fall in love with his own group of boys had to be the highlight. He had a group of teenage boys and he was such an amazing leader and role model to each one of them. Serving the Lord is great, but serving the Lord with your husband is even greater. We hope to get to go back again soon.
Other highlights have included buying our first home in Flower Mound and Matt getting his new dog Bumble. So, for now it's just the 4 of us...Me, Matt, Ellie and Bumble (our 2 chihuahua's). But this June, Ellie and Bumble will have to learn to share, because we are expecting our first child. More to come on that later!! We love you all and look forward to keeping you up to date on our journey.
