2020...

Well, here we are at the end of 2020, so of course the writer/reflector in me can't help but stop and take a look at 2020.  I think I have heard most people say they cannot WAIT for this year to be over.  I am pretty sure I have said it too.  I know I have.  But when I look back at this year, I can't help but feel a sense of incompleteness.  It can't be done.  There has to be more to this year, to this story.  I could rattle off a long list of bad things that just crumbled on top of each other like a pile of trash at a dumpsite.  But then, I can also see all these little lights...these moments of goodness that may not look goodness at all.  But they are...because He is there.  And His work is not done.  So I think as long as we live in between the now, on Earth, and the not yet, eternity in Heaven...our hearts will never feel complete.  The story isn't over.  My heart yearns for the new year, but further yearns for the completeness I will feel when all is made right and I see Jesus face to face.  So until then...Lord keep molding us, teaching us and reminding us that You are bigger then any virus or circumstance.  

    

One thing I did learn, I am way more of a planner then I thought.  I mean, I knew I was a planner but I think every inch of my being had to be constantly reminded that my planning can tend to shift more towards "control". As I lose my grip on that, it definitely brought out the anxiety and the reminder that I can easily elevate control as an idol. I can rely more on my plans then God's plans.  Lord forgive me for ever thinking I had control.

I also think I learned more about unconditional love then I ever have.  Through various circumstances, I felt and saw this love that ran so deep, that nothing would break it.  I am sure many of you reading this can relate.  That love that hangs on by a thread despite being thrown into the fire.  How can we not possibly see the Lord in this? Friends, it wasn't some love that we mustered up on our own...I think it was instilled in us, by the grace of God.  Lord teach us to love like you...to stand open arms and love, no matter how hard our hearts have been hurt or will be hurt in doing so.

As I have shared in previous posts, we started this year, absolutely believing we were headed back to China to adopt a specific little boy the Lord had laid on our hearts.  We rushed through paperwork and were in full dossier prep mode by the time January 1st was here.  But as things turned out, that wasn't how things were going to go.  But that pursuit led us down another path, that we pray will be a light as well.  I will be honest, we have been licensed for about 2 months now, and though we have received many calls, and said yes many times, we haven't had any little ones join us yet.  I think the two phrases I have said the most the past two months are "I trust you Lord" and "This is not about me."  See, when the motherly instinct in you cries yes to a child that needs a home, and then you are not that home, it is very easy for me to take it personally and think something is wrong with us.  But what is that doing in my mind? It's making it about me.  This isn't about me...this is about children who need love and a home.  Lord forgive me when I lose focus. May we be an open home whenever that time is. 

As we wrap up the year I want to reflect on God's goodness this year.  Thank you Lord for Matt, my children, health, for our jobs, for our home and roof over our head. Thank you Lord for family that lives nearby and family that we can visit in the mountains.  Thank you Lord for forgiveness, and for slow restoration. Thank you Lord for school and that our kids have been able to attend and grow at a sweet new little school this year.  Thank you Lord for our neighbors who have been right there through each passing day of this year.  Thank you Lord for my friends, near and far, old and new.  Thank you Lord for a sweet trip to see some of my closest adoption community friends at the beginning of the year.  Only you know that my heart so needed that trip before the world shut down.  Thank you Lord that a mass found earlier in the year was not cancer.  Thank you Lord for our church...who has served us so well and continued to share your word despite any pandemic.  And finally, thank you Lord for moving even in the absolute brokenness that this year brought. 

And so this year ends....2020 is over...but a much bigger story is not complete.  May we remember the bigger story as we enter 2021 and know that no matter what it brings...He is there, He is good, and He is moving.   

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 Part 7

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 Part 7

September 29th, 2020 

We are about a month into preparing our home to foster.  I feel like a lot of this process looks very similar to international adoption, and parts of it are very different.  I am a little shocked at how quickly it all seems to be moving, but I guess multiple international adoptions prepares you to move at warp speed when you can.  So, as far as what we can do on our end, we are finishing up loose ends.  We had about 35 hours of training to do, which was all virtual sessions.  We had 2 home walk through's, which were also virtual. We safety proofed our house with all the things Texas requires to be a licensed foster home, including lots of locks, fences, fire extinguishers, home rules, pool rules, escape plans, escape ladders, background checks, fingerprints, CPR, medical exams etc.  We have our final walk through (in-person) on Thursday, and our home-study on Friday.  I am not really sure what happens after that. Ha! I just keep doing what I am told. :)

We have began to pray not only for any child that comes in our home, but also for our hearts and our children's hearts.  With another adoption from China, the end goal was always adoption.  This is not the case with fostering.  Are we open to adoption?... absolutely.  But the primary goal is re-unification with birth parents.  Lord teach us to love and serve birth parents well.  This is something I always wished I had a tie to for our girls...I wish I could tell their birth moms they were ok, and that I loved them and they were safe.  So whether a child is with us one day, one year, or longer, I pray I can share with their birth parents that I will love this child like my own and love the birth parents as long as needed...well past any re-unification date. I pray each child will see our love, and see Christ's love through that. And I pray that somehow, any birth parent, will see Christ's love through us as well.  

Will our hearts get broken....? I think almost certainly so.  But isn't that our prayer?  For the Lord to break our hearts for what breaks His.  And if our little bit of brokenness, can bring a little bit of light, the light of Jesus...then it was all worth it.  

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 - Part 6

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 - Part 6 

August 21st 2020

We have now entered the new school year of 2020, and this was not where I thought I would be on Charli's 3rd birthday.  I thought she would turn 3 on a Sunday....and on Monday August 17th, our dossier would be mailed to China. 

We have had some tough conversations the past month with our agency.  As it stands today, there is a way to get our documents through the DC Embassy.  But it would require re-doing our documents...because at this point, they have expired either way.  There is still no movement as far as travel to China.  The cases of this virus seem to continue to rise. Rising case numbers, and the political tension continue. The little girl's file we had been following is now gone. This could mean she was matched, or the file is floating around somewhere, or other situations making her not visible for adoption. But we will not lose hope.  I think that is what the Lord has revealed to me and Matt over the past few weeks...we won't lose hope.  But can we, should we, pause?  Maybe it is possible to pause....but yet somehow keep moving towards the calling to love and serve those without a voice. 

We started to truly open our hearts and eyes to see how we can keep moving, but not give up hope.  After multiple phone calls, emails, conversations and orientations, we learned a lot more about what it would look like to open our home to foster care for this season.  We talked about what bedroom we could use, what new documents and training needed to be done and how to make this happen in the middle of a pandemic.  Somehow, through these conversations, we slowly started feeling a peace cover us the more we walked this way.  Scared, Yes! But also a feeling of strength.  Sad, Yes! But also a feeling of joy.  Overwhelming, Yes!  But also a the feeling of peace. 

After a heartbreaking conversation with our wonderful international adoption agency, we came up with a plan, as to how we would pause and wait for China. Let me be VERY clear here...I cannot and will not say we will not be back to China.  The image of a sweet girl, with a special heart, is still there. The image of multiple children are still there.  3,000 other children are still waiting in China, and that is only on the shared list. That doesn't count the thousands of orphans without a file.  This fight is not over.  We will continue to fight for our daughter's birth country, to pray for those families currently still waiting, and mostly to pray for each child who waits.  But as we wait with hope...we are step by step preparing our home for maybe a child here in Texas that needs that love and hope too.  Maybe it isn't two separate paths after all? Maybe this walk/journey is just going to look a little different then expected?

So we will start the new paper chase again, the new training again, and continue to plead with the Lord to make a way for every child.  We continue to pray for renewed open travel to and from China so adoptions can resume and children will find homes.  But while we wait...may our home be a home of safety and love to one of your children God.  May you prepare our hearts for whatever child comes through our door...our open door.   

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 - Part 5

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 - Part 5 

July 23rd 2020

We just got back from the most beautiful trip to Colorado.  I had a lot of time to reflect on God's goodness and faithfulness as Matt and I hiked Buffalo Mountain.  I will save my reflections on this day for another post.  You can read about it here. But I will say, this trip, and even more specifically that hike, was very needed. 

On the morning of the last day we were there, I opened up the news and the headlines read "Documents burned on the grounds of the Chinese Consulate in Houston" and " Chinese Consulate in Houston ordered to close by US".  That is not a headline that you want to wake up to when you are in the middle of a China adoption.  If you remember, we are specifically waiting for the consulate offices to open, so that all of our dossier documents can be authenticated.  We have been waiting since March.  Now this.  What does this even mean? One other consulate office is open in the US, but the cost and wait to even get our documents certified there is minor compared to the overlying gloom that seems to be cast over US-China relations.  God, please let there be peace, let there be some agreements and civil communication.  Children are waiting...please don't let this be another mountain for them. 

I reached out to our agency...they are gathering information and trying to pass on what they know.  Unfortunately the information they could provide, was that we have now passed a deadline that I knew was looming....documents are only good for 6 months before the expire (once authenticated they are good for a year).  But if you remember, we started this process back in November of last year.  Our documents, one by one, are expiring.  What does that mean...we have to re-do part of our "paper chase".  New documents...that will continue to wait on being notarized, certified and authenticated. This added step also changes the cost and fees that will occur, if we choose to send all the documents through D.C. which still could take months to even be authenticated. 

I don't know. Lord, I refuse to give up on China adoptions.  If we do...who will continue to fight for all those waiting.  Lord, my heart is there...this is our daughter's birth country.  I longed to go back...I thought I heard you calling us to walk this way again.

Matt and I continued to talk about it.  I am more confused then ever.  Maybe we should open our hearts and minds to other ways to serve and love the children who need families.  I think I struggle with this...because the obvious way to serve locally is to foster.  But, as I have mentioned before, you cannot legally pursue international adoption and be licensed to foster in the state of Texas. If we pivot...we have to pause on China.  I don't feel at peace about any option right now...but I don't feel at peace about being idle either.  But I guess that leads me back to my knees...to pray more.  If burning documents in the Houston Chinese Consulate and expiring documents is our next closed door...then where is the open one?

 

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 Part 4

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 Part 4

July 2020

We still feel stuck.  Cases are rising of COVID in the US, China is halting all flights in through October, and our agency can't give us any timeline on when anything could change.  Right now, no families are being allowed into China. No one has traveled since February.  5 months.  The few families that did travel early in the pandemic had to be quarentined 2 weeks in each city and at home. But even that seems impossible right now.

I feel like we have big decisions to make soon. And the weight is hard.  We would love another child, we want to adopt again.  But is it China again God?  Or is it something else? (Again, remember in the state of Texas, you cannot pursue international and fostering). Did I tell you how many children are waiting in the foster care system? Or how many kids with severe special needs are waiting here?  I don't think there is a wrong answer.....I guess just legally we can only pursue one route at a time.

I feel like I am living in a sea of unknown...where I can't see the shore.  I feel like no decision seems to be the right one, because somehow there is a barrier to each way we step.

If not now, when?

In not China, where?

If not her, who?

And maybe even, if not adoption again, then what?

Spirit lead us where are trust is without borders....

Praying for clarity on decisions and praying for China to give us updates on the future of adoption.  And praying the world is seeing you move Lord.  You are the Waymaker.  Now if I just knew which way?

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 Part 3

Adoption/Foster Journey #3 Part 3

May 2020

The heaviness just seemed to be all around.  And it was mounting.  Friends were losing loved ones, marriages were falling apart, child abuse cases were through the roof, the murder of George Floyd, the loss of so many jobs, parents burying their children far too soon, and the unshakable divide in our country was unavoidable.  Things were slowly starting to re-open here in Texas, and for some that caused relief, for others fear.  I always cling to music when I am at a loss for words. The Lord has always used lyrics as a peaceful place to turn my thoughts.  And so these lyrics rang loud on my playlist....

"One day there'll be no more lives taken too soon. 

One day there'll be no more need for a hospital room. 

One day every tear that falls will be wiped by His hand

We will see the promised land

One day there'll be no more anger left in our eyes

One day the color of our skin won't cause a divide

One day we'll be family standing hand in hand

And we will see the promised land, we will see the promised land

Hallelujah, there will be healing

From this heartbreak we've been feeling

We'll sing in the darkest night'Cause we know that the light will come

And there will be healing, hallelujah

One day every knee will bow, every tongue will confess

One day when our tired and weary bones find their rest

One day when the power of evil is brought to an end

We will see the promise land"

The Lord was moving. I know He was.  

We continued to wrestle with the wait.  We took the last tiny steps at finishing our dossier documents and were just waiting for them to be authenticated.  

One day I did stumble across a little face on Facebook being advocated for.  This time it was a little girl, with congenital heart disease.  Should I ask to see her file?  I don't even know if this is where the Lord is leading us? But I went ahead and emailed our agency. I assumed she would be quickly matched.  They notified me that there were in fact multiple families looking at her file. I hesitated...because I wasn't sure what I would do if I saw her face.  And I also wasn't sure what my heart would do if she would be matched with another family.  But, I asked to see it.  So we quickly reviewed her information.  It was way more medically complex then I could wrap my mind around.  My little experience with pediatric cardiology had me stumped at how this girl was even alive. And we prayed, again.  God, if she is not supposed to be in our family, please have her be matched quickly.  I remember praying this prayer for a little boy half a year ago...and the Lord answered.  So, I cautiously opened my hands again to the Lord's will. Simultaneously, we were a little paralyzed by fear.  Fear that what if this is our daughter...how are we going to get her home.  She would definitely be a medical expedite...but families can't even fly into China right now? 

I will be honest. I struggled. Hard.  Amber alerts were going off on my phone multiple times a week, CPS cases were on the rise, and I truly wrestled with where the Lord was leading us.  Do we keep moving towards China...or do we take a turn and focus on a domestic adoption given the current international and viral climate.  You can't do both here in Texas, according to our states laws.  What if there was a child, right now...in the US...that was supposed to be with us? Lord...please speak.  I wanted a clear answer. I wanted the resounding booming voice to just tell me. 

But there still was not a peace.  Only bits of peace for itty bitty steps.  We would keep researching this little girl's hearts needs...as we finalized our dossier.  Lord, whether it is us, or another family, please bring her to the US soon...so she can know the love of a family, regardless of what her medical future may hold.  Lord lead us...each step.  

Adoption /Foster Journey #3 Part 2

March 2020

Around this same time, we had heard of COVID and the virus spreading in China.  At the time, I honestly was not too concerned.  I didn't see the magnitude of it.  Never did I imagine it would actually affect my day to day life.  But within a matter of weeks, I watched as the virus spread across the globe and not one person I knew was not affected by it in some way.

I won't go into detail, but there were other circumstances and events that were happening within our family that honestly just made me question so much and made me ask a lot of very hard questions to the Lord.  I felt like my faith was so weak because each day I felt surrounded by questions of why something was happening and where was God in this? 

Each day as my heart felt faint, subtle reminders were also there.  I knew God was there...I knew He was moving.  But I could not see what He was doing.  I wanted to see Him step in and save the day, to see redemption win.  But that sight was not yet one for my feeble eyes to see.  So the only truth I could cling to, was He was there...through each crashing wave. 

When you start to question what God is doing...and when the whole world around you seems to be stuck in a war zone, it was easy and natural to question again where the Lord wanted us? Were we to sit still, as the rest of the world sits still?  But God...there are children waiting.  God, I know this is hard to be in my house 24/7, to not be able to see my family and friends like I used to...but God, some children would give anything to live this quarantine.  I am worried about if I have enough groceries to stock pile for 2 weeks...and there are children who don't even know if they will get a meal that day.  How selfish am I? My country, though it is not perfect, will take care of my illness and my kid's illness if I walk into any hospital.  Many children are left abandoned without a chance to see the doors of a hospital. 

During this time of reflection and questioning God, we slowly opened ourselves back up to the idea...that maybe there was a child out there waiting to join our family.  Our homestudy was done, we could technically continue to move forward.  But state and local government offices were closed and these needed to be opened for us to proceed with our dossier.  At this same time, all travel to China was banned.  I know personally several families who were weeks away from stepping on a plane to bring home their child...and now they are stuck.  As the news stories ran each night, an unsettling feeling just honestly lingered over the entire thing.  While we were affected by the virus at one level, there is another level that adoptive families (past, present or future) were wrestling with.  How is this going to affect the future for the children who wait?  Will China halt adoptions all together?  When will the travel ban lift? What could this look like if we did travel?  Any story over the relations between the US and China just honestly was sickening to watch.  Fear was already there for the entire world I think...but this particular fear was over our relationship with my daughter's birth country and what the future would hold. In the back of my mind the question was always there...will I ever step foot in China again? And if not, how will we bring this child (whose face I have not seen) home?

Ultimately we were forced to "wait" in the next step to finishing our dossier.  We had to wait for government offices to open back up and then would have to decide if we moved forward with our dossier...not knowing what the future would bring. 

I'll be honest, in this time of waiting, I was scared to see my child.  If I saw them, my heart would break more, knowing there was a possibility we could not bring them home quickly  So we cautiously continued to follow waiting children, we waited for China to release files (which was not happening because of COVID) and we prayed for peace as we wrestled with a myriad of unknowns.