If I'm being honest

If I am being honest, the past few months have left me asking God "why?" more often than not. Maybe some would call me sensitive, maybe some would call me crazy to cry for a stranger or a child I have never met. But, that's my heart, that's where I am at. Some days it has felt like weights on my heart. The pains of this world just seem to be like a flood.  Stories of pain and brokenness seem to be at every turn. 

Cancer. Why?

Orphans. Why?

Death of child. Why?

Addiction. Why?

Broken Homes. Why?

War. Why?

I get discouraged that I ask why. Does that mean that I am weak in my faith? Does that mean I am questioning God?

I think not. I think that just like an innocent child asks his parents why, it's ok for me to ask my heavenly Father why too. Sometimes Wyatt will ask me questions, and I try to explain. But there are some questions, that no matter what answer I give...his sweet little mind, just can't understand. So, maybe I will rest in that...That some things I just won't understand until my eyes have seen beyond this earth.

But then what do I do with this heaviness of my soul? What do I do when my heart stings?

The Lord brought an old friend into my path recently.  This week, he gave me some words of encouragement that I had never heard before. First, he reminded me that our prayer should be to break our hearts, for what breaks His. But he also said, that maybe my gift, to give to others, to give to the kingdom, is prayer. Maybe the Lord is burdening my heart, to the point of tears and sleepless nights, so I will pray on behalf of those too weak to pray. Maybe if I turn my tears and questions into prayer, then not only will this bring me closer to the Lord....but maybe someone somewhere needed those prayers. 

This friend, who just buried his 2 month old, knows heartache. But what I learned this week, was he has Hope. And even in the depths of his sorrow, God was using him to speak truth to not only me, but to so many others.

I may not know the answers. I may not see how any good could come of the pain.  But I have to fix my eyes on my one constant. May I have eyes to see His face in the fire. May I have ears to hear His voice in the storm. May I not let fear be a reason to stand still. May I not be concerned over what the world thinks, but simply walk in obedience. One step at a time, even when I cannot see.

" As I walk this great unknown
Questions come and questions go
Was there purpose for the pain?
Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don't want to live in fear
I want to trust that You are near
Trust Your grace can be seen
In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and You won't let go"