Well, here we are at the end of 2020, so of course the writer/reflector in me can't help but stop and take a look at 2020. I think I have heard most people say they cannot WAIT for this year to be over. I am pretty sure I have said it too. I know I have. But when I look back at this year, I can't help but feel a sense of incompleteness. It can't be done. There has to be more to this year, to this story. I could rattle off a long list of bad things that just crumbled on top of each other like a pile of trash at a dumpsite. But then, I can also see all these little lights...these moments of goodness that may not look goodness at all. But they are...because He is there. And His work is not done. So I think as long as we live in between the now, on Earth, and the not yet, eternity in Heaven...our hearts will never feel complete. The story isn't over. My heart yearns for the new year, but further yearns for the completeness I will feel when all is made right and I see Jesus face to face. So until then...Lord keep molding us, teaching us and reminding us that You are bigger then any virus or circumstance.
One thing I did learn, I am way more of a planner then I thought. I mean, I knew I was a planner but I think every inch of my being had to be constantly reminded that my planning can tend to shift more towards "control". As I lose my grip on that, it definitely brought out the anxiety and the reminder that I can easily elevate control as an idol. I can rely more on my plans then God's plans. Lord forgive me for ever thinking I had control.
I also think I learned more about unconditional love then I ever have. Through various circumstances, I felt and saw this love that ran so deep, that nothing would break it. I am sure many of you reading this can relate. That love that hangs on by a thread despite being thrown into the fire. How can we not possibly see the Lord in this? Friends, it wasn't some love that we mustered up on our own...I think it was instilled in us, by the grace of God. Lord teach us to love like you...to stand open arms and love, no matter how hard our hearts have been hurt or will be hurt in doing so.
As I have shared in previous posts, we started this year, absolutely believing we were headed back to China to adopt a specific little boy the Lord had laid on our hearts. We rushed through paperwork and were in full dossier prep mode by the time January 1st was here. But as things turned out, that wasn't how things were going to go. But that pursuit led us down another path, that we pray will be a light as well. I will be honest, we have been licensed for about 2 months now, and though we have received many calls, and said yes many times, we haven't had any little ones join us yet. I think the two phrases I have said the most the past two months are "I trust you Lord" and "This is not about me." See, when the motherly instinct in you cries yes to a child that needs a home, and then you are not that home, it is very easy for me to take it personally and think something is wrong with us. But what is that doing in my mind? It's making it about me. This isn't about me...this is about children who need love and a home. Lord forgive me when I lose focus. May we be an open home whenever that time is.
As we wrap up the year I want to reflect on God's goodness this year. Thank you Lord for Matt, my children, health, for our jobs, for our home and roof over our head. Thank you Lord for family that lives nearby and family that we can visit in the mountains. Thank you Lord for forgiveness, and for slow restoration. Thank you Lord for school and that our kids have been able to attend and grow at a sweet new little school this year. Thank you Lord for our neighbors who have been right there through each passing day of this year. Thank you Lord for my friends, near and far, old and new. Thank you Lord for a sweet trip to see some of my closest adoption community friends at the beginning of the year. Only you know that my heart so needed that trip before the world shut down. Thank you Lord that a mass found earlier in the year was not cancer. Thank you Lord for our church...who has served us so well and continued to share your word despite any pandemic. And finally, thank you Lord for moving even in the absolute brokenness that this year brought.
And so this year ends....2020 is over...but a much bigger story is not complete. May we remember the bigger story as we enter 2021 and know that no matter what it brings...He is there, He is good, and He is moving.
