Well, it's May...and that means it's National Foster Care Month. I have dragged my feet on gathering my thoughts and words for quite a while now. Possibly because I still don't have the words to even know how to explain where my heart is at, or where it has been. Honestly, it is too much for me to even wrap my mind around, and certainly too much to put into words. But I know, for me, writing is healing, and with time, I am sure the words will find a way to paper. As the days and weeks go on, maybe the Lord is slowly revealing His work. But it's really hard to see right now. I know He was there, He is here now, and He will be there...but I don't know (yet) what He is doing.
As I have shared in previous posts, we halted our process on a third adoption from China. We are still in communication with our agency, and I will never give up on the yearning to step foot in China once again. But not much has changed since my last post, about relations/travel with China. Please continue to pray for those families and children who wait.
In a pursuit of caring for those children who need love, who need a home, we opened our home to foster care. This time, our end goal was different then international adoption. The goal of foster care is reunification and with time, the Lord prepared our hearts for that. We are licensed for foster to adopt, meaning we were definitely open to adoption, if it ended in that...but that was not the primary goal.
The first two months, we received about 10 phone calls from our agency of children who needed a home. Some calls were after we went to bed, others were early in the morning. Sometimes it was a single child, sometimes a sibling set. All were within the ages of 0-4 years (this is what we set as our limit, because we wanted to keep Charli the youngest for now). We quickly said yes to (almost) every call. I admit, I nervously said no to the first call...scared about a sibling set, scared the age of one of the kids was older then Charli. After that, we kind of shifted our mindset to try to not be scared and just say yes. We quickly learned, that after multiple "yes's" we were definitely not always picked. That is not always a bad thing. That just means that they found a family physically closer to the biological family, or they just didn't feel we were the right fit. I will admit too, I began to think something was wrong with me (our family). But, it was a really really good reminder, that this process is not about me, it was simply about being obedient.
Early January, we got another call, another Yes, but this time, we got a call back...and a little boy would be joining us the next day. We were thrilled, scared, all the emotions. This little (or not so little) boy joined our family, and was with us about 2 months. Out of privacy for him, and because I don't even know how to comprehend the complexity of the situation, I won't be sharing details. All I can say, is I loved him. I miss him. To be very honest, I feel like I failed at this. This calling. I feel like I let him down, I let my family down, the Lord down. I know that is probably Satan eating at me, wanting to believe his lies. But, today, I am just not yet at the point, where I can see the battle won. Right now, I think I am carrying a weight, that I have not been able to let go of yet.
The only small whisper I can hear from the Lord, is the gentle reminder...that this boy was not mine. He IS the Lord's. For 2 months, we physically and tangibly did everything in our power to love and protect him. And now, I have to trust and believe that the Lord used those months for His good, even if it ended in a way I never imagined. I also have been reminded, that this sweet boy's story is not over yet either. I may not be there to see the fruit, to see him grow to love and follow the Lord. But, the Lord is writing his story...
So, for National Foster Care Month, I wish I had a motivational happy story to share...but right now, I am feeling the weight of a very broken system and a very broken heart. However, I would love to share that there are so many ways you can help, even if you are not a foster parent. Maybe I will save that for another post. But please hear me when I say, there is so much we can tangibly do. And where you can't tangibly do some things...pray. In so many ways, I felt more alone then I ever have, during these 2 months. But, I did feel the overwhelming support of prayer. So many were praying for this boy, for our family, during this time. And that was life-giving, priceless, and a lesson we were able to share first hand with our children. Our kids loved, they prayed, they grieved, they felt anger, they grieved more. They loved hard, struggled hard, prayed hard. And even now..the sweet prayers of our children, and even our neighbors children, lift up this boys name.
What's next...we are open for respite. Respite is being able to provide more then 72 hours of care for a child in foster care, as a back-up caregiver for foster families. Overnight babysitters (with background checks, CPR classes, forms etc) can babysit a child in foster care for up to 72 hours. But often families need even more then 72 hours. To do true respite, your house essentially has to be up to code and set up as a foster home. This means you have all the proper safety measures in place, your house if fully "foster" approved, lots of training...you basically are a foster home. So for this season, while we try to catch up on a lot that came to a complete halt (like Charli's doctors visits, therapy, therapy and more therapy, working hours for me and a few much needed mini-vacations), we will remain licensed but likely just do respite until the dust settles and we can get some of Charli's (and other kiddos) needs met. When we do open back up, I think we will have to be a little more narrow on what age/size/needs the child has. This may narrow the pool of children we can love and serve, but it is not a forever thing. It just may be what is best for this year or two.
If you would like to learn more about adoption or foster care, please reach out. I would love to chat.
Until the next step...we will fix our eyes on things above. My prayer each morning is to lift my weary head again, even if I feel the weight that wants to hold it down. The verse that our pastor read as Matt and I said our vows 12 years ago..
"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." Colossians 3:2-3
