This month, this smell of autumn, also brings about a certain feel to it. A reminder of that first day in Guangzhou. And now, 6 years later, looking back, I can see so much more. Feel free to scroll through my previous blogs (which were very few but meaningful). Matt and I often look at each other, usually in complete exhaustion, and say "Did you ever think this would be where we would be?". And the answer usually is no. I could not have imagined up some of the lessons, divine opportunities, sleepless nights, tearful victories, painful goodbyes and joyous hugs and kisses that have marked our path the past 6 years.
We have been fostering a little girl for almost 18 months now. 18 months. There has been a lot on my heart lately, in regards to fostering, adoption, and most importantly our mission on earth to make Christ's name known. And it seems I can never get the words out to even explain this roller coaster....a roller coaster that started more then 18 months ago, but instead 6 years ago. So it seems fitting, that as we remember this Family Day from 6 years ago...that I also take time to reflect on what the Lord has taught me.
First, know that most of the time, I can't begin to explain what all God is doing. That is because I don't know what God is doing. I know He is here...because there are some details that I have seen play out that only He could orchestrate. But I will be honest, there are many days...that I just want to know more. I want to see the bigger picture. I want to see redemption win. The ups and downs, the waiting, the 2 steps forward, 1 step back, can definitely cause me to question what He is up to. But remember how I said, I am so glad God did not reveal to me every detail a moment too soon? That, I guess, is my comfort, that my eyes can only see what He needs me to see. If I knew or saw anymore, I think I would be paralyzed in fear of the things to come.
We have three girls in our family right now...each one with an incredible story. A story that God is going to use to bring Him glory. But some of their story, is that...a story between them and God. We as their parents, whatever that "parent" role is...know more details then most. We hold that sacred and want to protect that story. I have fallen short in this area. There are details I have shared, that I honestly wished I wouldn't have. Not because I want to hide anything...I want to show others God's work and his power. But there is definitely a balance. As we have stepped into fostering as well, I think I see it even more. Everyone, or so it seems many, are eager to share their opinions on the situation and how it should or shouldn't end. First, let me be very clear, there is no "end" to this. For each of us, our end, is when we are called home and all things are made new. There may be detours, and new roads and chapters closed. But we believe that all the brokenness we see and feel will not be made whole by anything we say or do, and certainly not by anything any judge orders. Second, please know that as you enter in to our family, that you do not know every detail. We don't know every detail. And I really think this applies to all of our children and just life in general right? It is very easy to see part of a story, and be quick to chime in your thoughts or advice. Please be slow to speak...quick to listen. I genuinely cannot express my gratitude to my friends and family who over the past 6 years have been there to check in on us, to ask how we are doing, but to sit and listen, instead of being quick to speak. Even those friends that I can go months without seeing, but suddenly I get to, and just their hug is all I need to know that they are praying. No words were needed. I know we have an amazing village who prays fervently for us, even when they have no idea the details to what is going on. Can I encourage you that if you are one of my silent prayer warriors...your prayers are felt. And that hug, that prayer, mean more than any advice.
Remember your audience. In regards to fostering, remember that we too, are a family that has already been built through adoption. Be gentle and know that our kids can sometimes struggle with this journey, and the ups and downs that fostering brings, has an added layer of complexity to it, when you already have adopted children in your home. And, if I am being honest, I may be slightly more sensitive to free advice regarding our current journey in foster care, because in the back of my mind and on my heart, I carry the trauma of two beautiful girls who are FOREVER a part of our family. That's a tricky tightrope to walk. So again, I think since most of us, myself included, do not know every detail, the best support you can give, is a hug, a prayer, an open ear. Be gentle with your words, and remember that our home has other little hearts that carry a lot of trauma that we will never be able to understand.
I think more than anything we have learned, or been challenged in, over the past 6 years, to be more vocal in our faith. This has looked different for us through different seasons and chapters. But lately, we have literally been given a front seat ticket to step into one of the darkest stories I have seen. I thought God was calling us to love, and to love hard, even if that meant heart break. But, my friends, He was really calling us to something so much bigger. He called us into a war, a battlefield, to fight not just for the children in our home, to be their safe home...but to look beyond the glaring darkness and proclaim to everyone who is involved that they are loved by God regardless. Maybe we are getting a front row seat to seeing God move in a miraculous way, that may hurt to see and feel, but the eternal seeds will far outweigh the weight we may be feeling.
So maybe on paper, the goal in foster care, is reunification...but what if it is more? What if, our focus is less about the details involved (when we know we can't see the full picture anyways), and more about whole-heartedly, unapologetically, being overtly vocal that Jesus Christ is Lord. He is the healing to this brokeness. He is the one that brings "reunification". I don't want this to come across wrong. Because loving others like Christ is exactly what we should be doing. But, what if we made the focus less about earthly mothers, fathers, and children...and more about our one heavenly Father? Because, if just ONE life hears the good news...then that eternal victory is just that...eternal, forever, never-ending.
And oh how I wish I could see this victory unfold. Every detail. I want to speak the name of Jesus and see the fruit. But, maybe too, I won't see the fruit during my time on earth. Maybe I am just planting. But a planted seed, is a planted seed. The harvest is coming.
My daddy and I love to share songs back and forth. Music speaks to me...it always has. And this year, this song keeps echoing. The lyrics. The beautiful reminder that we are on our way home. So keep sharing, keep proclaiming, keep stepping into the darkest place you can find...and speak His name. Because one day we will stand before Christ, and I pray, that I can say...that I did everything I could to tell others of this gift that awaits beyond our earthly days...if we just surrender and believe. How broken hearted would I be to look back at hundreds of faces and say that I prayed for them, or I served them (which are all AMAZING things too)...but I didn't tell them.
So that's where we are right now...a whole lot of unknowns....but trying to keep our focus on stepping INTO the darkness and speaking eternal truth. And all our kids...they are in it too. Some days they are more bold then me.
So if I get quiet when I talk about all the details...it is because I don't know. I don't know what the future will bring for any of our foster children. I don't know what the future will bring for our "healthy" children and our "not so healthy children". But I do know Christ is our King. And He will win. We were made for this battle on earth. So let's put on our armor, carry our cross well, and live and speak like you have one mission on earth....to make His name known. Heaven is coming...we are on our way home.
"There's no doubt about it, I'm on my way home. I'm not yet where I am going, but I'm a long way from where I was. I hear of choir of angels, Cheering me on. I'm not yet where I am going, But I am a long way from where I was."
