"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19
Xander Luis...you entered this world on February 26th, 2015 and our lives have been forever changed. Actually, the years and days leading up to your earthly arrival were some of the hardest and greatest days our family has shared. We did not lose hope, we did not lose heart. Isn't that everyone's story...days of celebration, days of mourning, days of peace and days of chaos. But, wow, to know our GOD, is CONSTANT. I am a planner....I like to know how things are going to turn out. But this pregnancy was a little different. Disclaimer: Xander was and has been completely healthy...but Satan had a way of trying to sneak in and cover me in fear anytime he could. I wish I could say I never struggled with fear or doubt, but I would be lying. Even when Xander was finally in my arms, I was somehow overcome by BELIEF and DISBELIEF. Is that even possible?? I guess so.
Back to February 26th...the day was perfect. I had wanted a VBAC, but slowly my heart changed and the Lord made it clear that was not best for me. And, honestly, I was relieved. I got to tuck Wyatt into bed one last time as a single child, prepare my heart that morning and walk into the hospital at 5am. No laboring for 24 hours to end in C-Section like last time. Just a smooth, beautiful morning. My mom and dad showed up around 4:30...and like my daddy always says..."It's show time." The preparation, the surgery, everything went perfectly except for a little vomiting. But, when do I not vomit?? And, once again, we didn't know....baby girl or baby boy. But at 7:55am....I saw HIM...Xander Luis. Thank you Lord. We are so so so undeserving of this gift? Why us? Why would You choose us to be Xander's mommy and daddy? I don't know why...but He did. Thank you Lord.
The highlight of the day...telling Wyatt he had a baby brother. I was adamant that he would be the first to know, the first to see baby Xander. It was so perfect. My heart was so full.
The recovery was definitely easier this time around. And things just seemed more natural. Unfortunately, PPD would rear it's ugly head once again at around Day 10, just like last time. It wasn't any easier this time. It was still some of the hardest, darkest days my soul has felt. It is devastating to be swallowed in a darkness that has no real source. It is devastating to literally go from joy to being paralyzed in a matter of hours. But this time, Matt and I had prepared, we knew what to look for. We knew what had to be done when this disease started to cast it's shadow over me. And as the days went on, the sun began to shine again. I began to be able to feel my breath again. PPD is a funny thing, because you aren't yourself....so my anchor, my Lord, I couldn't even feel Him. You are just in a fog. But, when the fog cleared, I knew once again, He didn't leave me. And somehow, through those dark days, He will be glorified.
Oh Xander....you are quite the opposite of your big brother. What a fun year it has been. Umm....you have blonde hair and blue eyes by the way. You are exactly what our family needed. I can't wait to see what all the Lord has planned for you.
So, for now, we are enjoying making memories and praising the Lord for our family of four. We will see what the future holds though...Lord willing, we can be four plus more.