So I have wrote a lot about the process we have been going through, the fundraising we are doing, the excitement that overflows when we think of sweet Ri. But, I want to be completely honest in my fears, the hard side of adoption and things YOU can be praying for.
First, adoption is beautiful. I would never argue different. But, that beauty is from ashes. Behind each adoption is a story of loss. In China, most children are not adopted as infants...they are older. This makes the transition, and the trauma they have been through, not always easy as people tend to envision. You are often loving a child who has had multiple caregivers, multiple homes and is scared. So, I will jump right in to my first fear....Will she love me?
The truth is. I don't know. The truth is...it is going to take time for Matt and I to show Ri, that we are her parents. That we love her and we will not leave her, even when she may not love us. That is unconditional love. That is the love that Christ gives. I love her. I love her and I want her to know that love. But I know it will take time. Ri has been in 3 different homes, in and out of the hospital and had countless caregivers. At almost 2 years old, she is going to meet a complete stranger, and fly across the world into a completely new environment. God, prepare all of our hearts for this transition. God, I know that the day I meet her could be painful. But let me see the beauty from ashes. God, calm Ri and her fears. Let her see safety in my eyes, let her learn to love me, let her let me love her. Give me patience as I wait for her to see me as mommy. Thank you for Ri. Thank you God for Ri's birth mommy, that she choose life for Ri. I do not know the circumstances around her abandonment, but I choose to believe that she loved Ri too.
I am scared for the details...the days, the flights, the hotel, what to pack, will I get sick, how much work to take off. Pray for the details. Pray I trust that even though I have no idea how this will all play out...God does. He knows. He knows every detail to this story. It is His story.
I am scared to have 3 kids. Sometimes I question if I am a good enough mom for 2...how am I going to parent 3? How am I going to parent twins? God give me the grace I need to forgive myself. May I not compare myself to anyone else, but follow your calling. You choose ME to be Wyatt, Xander and Morrissey's mommy. No one else. I am not perfect, but may I not focus on my imperfections, but instead focus on your love.
I am scared when I think about her health. God, I know you made her heart extra special. You knit together each cell to make it the beautiful beating heart that it is. But God I pray her heart will continue to function well. I pray that her surgery was successful. I pray she goes many many years before having another surgery. I pray that she grows God...that she eats and grows big and strong. God I pray for her doctors, that they will have wisdom when looking at her heart for the first time. I pray that I not live in fear but embrace that you are in control. So, no matter what the future brings, you are good, and nothing is a surprise to you.
I am scared to leave my boys and husband for two weeks. Thank you God that my mommy will be there with me, witnessing and helping me as I become a mommy again. But I pray for my boys and Matt at home. I pray they are not sad, or scared. I pray that technology will allow us to visit everyday. I pray for my heart as I will miss them. I pray for safety for my mom and I.
And finally, sometimes I am just sad. I am sad that I missed 20 months of Ri's life. Why did it take so long? One day without a mommy and daddy is too long. And now that I can see her face...I want to hold her today. Not tomorrow. Not October. I want her home. My heart misses her. My heart mourns the months we lost. That's the honest truth.
But God...thank you for your timing. Thank you for your plan. She is not just my daughter, she is Yours. She belongs to you. You gave her the breath of life. You sustained her in her sickest days. So, regardless of when she is in my arms, I pray I can remember YOU are the giver and taker of life.
God I promise to love her and to teach her to know your love. May others see her LIGHT. Your light.
Please don't get me wrong. We are over the top excited. But I wanted to be honest in my fears as well, so that others can see both sides. So you too can pray for us. Adoption is beautiful. He makes all things beautiful.
"To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their rightneousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for His own glory." Isaiah 61:3