Adoption/Foster Journey #3 Part 1

 February 2020

We kind of always said we would be done after 4 kids.  Four children felt like a lot.  Most days, OK all days, felt like we were barely surviving.  But, then we would joke, maybe one more.  I would find myself thinking through logistics of how to arrange car seats and how on earth we could possibly afford another adoption.  I don't know why...but I was concerned what people would think. They would think we were crazy.  Especially if you saw me on a day to day basis and saw how frazzled our days could be, how messy our house was, how we were already running from one appointment to another, from therapy visit to another therapy visit.

But what if...none of that mattered? What if there was one more child...waiting...that we could love? What if my biggest failures on a day to day basis were nothing too big for God, who promises that where He leads, He will provide and make a way.  What if this was one more opportunity to show God's love? What if my heart needed to be broken more and more to a point of total dependence? What if our crazy yes was what the Lord longed to hear...not the groan of a fearful no?

After about one year of Charli being home (August 2019) we started discussions more and more.  Where was the Lord leading us next? International adoption, foster care, private adoption, an international move for missions or work? Lord, just show us.  Some days Matt and I were on the same page and other days we were feeling led towards different paths. So we continued to pray. Lead us into the unknown...a radically different life of unknowns.

If you haven't read this book...I highly recommend it. Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream

One day, once again, scrolling through Facebook, I came across the sweetest little boy being advocated for.  Oh, if I could share his sweet smile. His determination.  He was about 2 and a half years old and had a condition called Arthrogryposis that affected all four limbs.  His file had been prepared for quite sometime, and no family had said yes.

So one day in August 2019, Matt texts me..."I think we should adopt _____."  (Insert panic yet joy simultaneously in my heart).  See, we are not eligible yet, Charli was only 2 years old. We couldn't begin the process for another 4-6 months.  And this medical need, was definitely one we had not dealt with before. Would he be able to walk? Would he be able to use his hands?  Would he ever be able to live independently? Who are the best doctors for this? Does insurance cover this, because therapy for Charli often felt like a battle.  So, I just prayed...Lord bring him his forever family, fast. But that didn't feel like enough...we had to start researching.  Matt and I both did more research over the next 2-3 months then we ever have on any one condition.  It was scary, but it seemed like we were doing what we were supposed to do. We felt confident the Lord wanted to lead us this way.  I continued to follow his file...had he been matched yet? Has any family said yes?  Lord, is it us?

We started to approach the mark where we could pursue a new home study and sign with our agency.  Again, it all sounded crazy...we wouldn't tell a soul...I didn't want to hear any opinions.  I just needed to hear the Lord.  So we started...and paper chased...and kept praying.  Our social worker came out around Christmas 2019 and we quickly were finalizing our home study.  (Remember we also have to have a completed home study to submit an LOI for a waiting child...we could submit an LOI in February 2020).  Our agency had been in contact with the current agency that had his file, which we had now reviewed, and had several physicians review, and this agency did not have anyone moving forward.  Could it really be? Is this our son? We started to dream together. We dreamed up setting up our garage to a physical therapy gym. We dreamed of hiking with him on Matt's back.  We dreamed of him sharing a room with the boys.  It's hard to not let your heart dream...even when you try to be guarded.  But that's what your heart does...when it sees and feels love...it lets it's guard down and just dreams, and loves.

I can't remember the exact date...but I got a call from my agency.  I figured they were calling to update me on home study logistics.  But this call was different.  I could tell in her tone that was not why she was calling. This sweet little boy, who we had rushed to complete a home study for, who we had dreamed about, who we had grown to already love, had been matched with another family who's home study was approved and ready.

I remember pacing the driveway, listening to her talk...trying to hold back the tears.  "It's ok...this was my prayer...that he would find his forever family...and if it wasn't us, that there was another family who loved him and would race to bring him home." This was my prayer...all along. I just didn't think that was how the story was supposed to end.  It was bittersweet..I went from advocating for him myself, on my own Facebook page, praying for him to find a family, then slowly falling in love, thinking I was walking in obedience.  One less. That day, he had a family say yes, and I had to cling to that joy.  Joy for him, and joy for this family.

I'm not going to lie. I mourned. I cried. I cried a lot. I felt guilty for mourning and for crying.  He had a family...how selfish of me? But why Lord...did we hear you so loud to move? To move for him?  But I guess that is the path of walking into the radical unknown...what lies ahead is not what is expected.  But it doesn't mean it was wrong.  The Lord was still there...He was our guide, our Shepard. So, now we mourn, but we also rejoice for one less. We rest in Him, for a moment, to take a breath from this race.  And we continue to fix our eyes on things above...and not strain our eyes to see what lies ahead.

So now what? Were we wrong in moving forward anymore down this path? Is there a side trail...maybe a detour route we should be taking? Lord lead us.  Maybe we were supposed to open up our home for foster care...or move to the Phillipines for Matt's work? Speak Lord speak.  I wish I could say I had some vivid dream or heard some loud booming voice. But I didn't.  But, that doesn't mean He wasn't there. "Be still and know that I am God."

So we paused.  But not really, because at this point, all of our documents and visits were done for our home study. Fees were already paid. We were going to have an approved home study either way.  So we let the agency do their work...and we were still.  

I continued to follow advocacy posts. And eventually our homestudy was done. But the peace of moving forward with a specific child just wasn't there.   I asked our agency about several children, but the peace I have had before never came.  Lord...what is your desire?

TBD...

"Whatever your plan is You will make a way for it Whatever Your will is Come and do it here" - Bethel Music

Mountains upon Mountains

This past week, our family took a much needed trip to Colorado. We basically hadn't left our house since mid-March, so the idea of changing our quarantine view sounded amazing.  Matt's sister and brother-in-law live in Denver, so it all worked out perfectly that we were able to spend time with family but also escape the Texas heat and enjoy some new views.

When we got there, Matt had plans to hike several mountains including Mt Elbert, Colorado's tallest mountain.  But on Day 1 of the trip, Matt had the great idea of just him and I taking a day to the mountains.  His mom was also traveling with us, so there was extra help to watch the kids, and we could have a real date.  When he first mentioned it, I laughed, not thinking he was serious.  But it didn't take long to convince me that his idea sounded amazing, and better then any dinner date or fancy outing.

When I started to think back, our last "date" was right before COVID hit...March 7th...our anniversary.  We had planned this weekend well in advance to stay at the Gaylord for one night and divide the kids up amongst family and friends.  It would be our first night away from Charli (she had been home 19 months).  We were so excited to have a 24 hour local get-a-way.  Well, about 10 days before this, I found out that I had 2 orange size masses that were growing on my left ovary.  What started out as a quick doctor's visit, quickly escalated into a surgery the following week to remove the masses and possibly ovary.  The surgery was 2 days before our "date".  Luckily, this was a day surgery, and I was able to go home and sleep in my own bed.  We debated cancelling our date, considering I was going to be very sore, not walking very quickly and the looming biopsy results would not be back yet.  But, in sickness and in health, we choose to still go, and celebrated our anniversary in bed, watching a movie, ordering room service and tried to just enjoy the quiet time together, regardless of what that week brought, or what diagnosis may be in the near future.  We had a wonderful time, though it was definitely not what we had originally planned.  And for the good news...a few days later we got a call that caused a sigh of relief...benign.  NO cancer.  Praise the Lord!

"Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18

So, back to Colorado.  We were getting our next chance at a "date"...and the mountains were calling our name! We arrived at the base of the mountain around 7:30 am and it was supposed to be a 2.5 mile hike up and down (5 miles total).  We had been warned by someone who had already hiked this mountain that there was a large boulder section that was quite tough.  No biggie we thought.  We had no kids with us, so surely we could do it.  Matt packed his backpack full of water and snacks and off we went.  I'll admit, I actually brought my headphones. I wanted to just listen to praise and worship music simultaneously as we hiked, sort of my calming yet motivating music for my soul.  Maybe a mile or two in, we passed through a small boulder section.  We thought that was the "boulder section". Ha. We had NO idea what was ahead.  I was starting to feel a little tired, but surely we had to be getting close to the top.  Then, as we started to near the tree line...we saw what looked like a never ending tower of rocks/boulders with no end in sight.  Hmm...should we turn around??

I remember telling Matt, I am really glad I did NOT know what actually was ahead and waiting for us.  If I would have known, that I would have to climb THAT, I would have jumped ship before it even sailed.  No way.

Now isn't that how God protects us sometimes?...by not letting us see the giant mountain that awaits us.  Because if we KNEW the mountain that was ahead...would we walk that way? Or would we coward in fear and make excuses for why we can't do something?

"I will walk by faith even when I cannot see." 2 Corinthians 5:7

Doesn't he sometimes know, that it is for our good, to merely trust Him, and to follow Him, into a point where you are now so far in, that turning around is not an option.

Matt quickly learned, that we had to follow the cairns.  These were small little stacks of rocks that would guide us up the larger rocks.  There wasn't really a path.  There was just rocks.  But someone, had gone before us, and placed these cairns as markers to follow...to lead us through stable rocks, to keep our feet from hitting the smaller weaker rocks.

Again, I saw the Lord in this.  Isn't that the reality of our lives sometimes.  The reality that we often can't see a path.  But the Lord has gone before us, and paved the way...guiding our steps.

"Do not be afraid or discouraged for the Lord will go before you. He will be with you. He will never fail or abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:8

The scary part about these boulders, is you truly couldn't see where the end was.  I remember being about an hour into the boulders and some people were turning around.  I remember thinking...if only I knew when this would end.  But when I tried to look up the mountain, I just got scared and overwhelmed.  It was too much.  All I saw were boulders...there was no end in sight.

Again..the Lord speaks.  How often do we cry out...if only I knew when this would end...if only I could see what lies ahead.  But when we try to look up and ahead we strain and blind our eyes to the step that lies in front of us.  The Lord does not call us to see the end goal...no He calls us to follow Him, one step at a time.

So cairn after cairn...we climbed.  Each one was one step closer.  We weren't sure where the summit was, but as long as we followed each cairn...we would make it there.  I stopped and told Matt, "I feel like this is exactly where I am at."  Living in a world of unknowns, not seeing an end in sight, not even seeing the path...but having to focus on the cairn in front of me...not the endless boulders that lie ahead.

Aside from the obvious COVID situation that is causing our entire world to be living in day after day of unknown...we have also been walking through some very personal other situations this past year, that once again, seem like an endless mountain...with no path...just boulders.  But oh how my heart was lifted, when He reminded me, that through all of this, He walks before me.  I need not worry what lie ahead, or when we will reach the finish line, or even what the finish line looks like...just forge ahead, one cairn at a time.

As we got closer to the top, we started to pass people who had already summitted and were on their way back down.  We would stop person after person, how close are we to the top?? Are we almost there?  There was such a beautiful encouragement from those coming back down.  An encouragement, that we would get there, and it would be beautiful.

"I lift my eyes to the mountains, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2

Again...the Lord speaks.  Who are those people in your life? Those who have walked beside you, or even ahead of you, to tell you it's going to be OK.  To encourage you, that even though you can't see over this boulder, there is beauty on the other side.

Finally, several hours into our hike (which was WAY longer then the predicted 2.5 miles up)...we reached the summit. I looked down in awe that somehow we made it up without breaking any bones! Seriously though...it was pretty amazing/frightening to look down.

As we looked all around us, the beauty that filled the sky, I couldn't help but notice all the other mountains.  This was just one mountain, among many others. They surrounded us.

And so we would begin our journey down...slippery...and still needing to follow one cairn after another to get back down.  But the hundreds of mountains still surrounded us.  Each one a little different I am sure, each one with it's own purpose and beauty.  So even though we may have reached the peak of this one...we are promised more.

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you, as something strange were happening to you. But rejoice as you share in Christ's suffering, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." 1 Peter 4: 12-13

I am glad I don't know what all lies ahead and the mountains we will face.  I don't know how many more mountains we will climb in this world until we are done.  But one thing I do know...our work on this side of heaven is not done.  No mountain, or valley, or summit, or plain will lead us to the point where we should say " I am finished, my work here is complete".  No, there are mountains to climb, cairns to follow, with one final summit in sight...our heavenly home.  So, until He calls me home, may I remember to keep my eyes on Him (the cairn) in front of me, and may I never fear the next mountain.

" I press on the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14"

Christmas Cards and Hymnals

We have a dear friend who is adopting their 3rd child from China.  I first saw their son's face when a little video popped up from Little Flower of Charli, when she was just a tiny baby.  She was so small she could fit in a baby doll stroller.  There was my sweet baby girl....but behind her...was a beautiful boy who's smile and laugh were too contagious to ever forget.  His name was Zhong.  As God would have it...18 months later...this friend and her family would be racing to bring him home...their son.  He has been waiting over 10 years for his family...and now his family is coming!

This Christmas...will you consider helping this family by checking out their website.  Her girls have made beautiful handmade cards that you can use for all sorts of occasions.  AND...there are also beautiful handmade hymnals available from another adoptive momma who is donating her work.  Check out this website and consider purchasing some of these beautiful cards or hymnals for 25 dollars (through her paypal link) to be a part of helping bring Zhong home!

CLICK HERE TO BRING ZHONG HOME

Jesus Loves Me This I Know...

This Good Friday I can't help but reflect on what this day means to me. How did I come to a place where I so deeply believed that Christ died on the cross for me...for my sins?  This post really isn't about my testimony, or how I did come to this belief.  It is a long story, that is beautiful and I will gladly share if you ever want to join me for coffee or brunch.  I like to think about it...and to talk about it.  

But I wanted to share about something else that is one my heart tonight.  If you are reading this, I want you to know you are loved. Right where you are.  In your darkness, in your pain, in your doubts and anger, in your crippling sin, you are loved. That is what today is about. Good Friday.  That while "we were yet sinners...Christ died for us."  Romans 5:8 

I always believed in a God.  I was raised in the church and and sang the songs..."Jesus loves me this I know...for the Bible tells me so."  Even as I studied science more and more, I honestly had a harder time NOT believing there was a higher being that created this earth, our every cells so perfectly and uniquely.  I could not and still cannot wrap my mind around the world just coming to be. There had to be a God bigger then us who created us.  Did I know all the answers? No.  But I believed, and still do, that there is a God in heaven who created this earth. I even believed, and still do, that God sent his only son Jesus to die on a cross for our sins...I believe the Bible to be true and that through faith alone, our once broken relationship with the Creator is restored...this death on the cross was our penalty paid in full.  That is how much He loves us.  But somewhere...somehow...that LOVE part got lost.  

As as child I sang the song...I believed He loved me.  But slowly, as my eyes were revealed more and more to the darkness of the world and just the sin in my own life, I lost the belief that I was loved.  And the sad part was, I was ok with that.  I believed He loved others, I believed the Bible to be true...but somehow my mind started to believe that where I was, the choices I was making, the lack of any desire in my heart...all this meant one thing...yes God loved others, but He didn't love me.  Maybe...if I didn't question so much. Maybe...if I could get this one sin under control. Maybe...if I took a break from "the church" and cleaned myself up...then He will be ready for me.  Then He will love me.  But how is that even possible? I was wise enough to look around and see that any perfect version of myself was no where in the near future...it is impossible.  

Where did this lie come from? I really have no idea. Satan, I guess. Maybe me. Maybe society.  Maybe false teaching or my perception of teaching within the church. I can't really pinpoint it.  But I can tell you that if you ever sit down and really start reading story after story in the Bible, this lie...is just that...a lie.  

No where does it say that you have to pull yourself together before coming to the Lord. No where does it say that you won't have doubts or questions. No where does it say that "You are loved if ______."  No where does it say that God sent His son Jesus to die for those that seem to have it all "together."  No...he died for us, WHILE we were sinners.  

He loves you. You....exactly where you are.  He leaves the 99 to chase after you.  Just like I can't pinpoint where this lie came from that I had built up in my head that I had to pull myself together before any God would love me. I also can't pinpoint when I realized...that was a lie.  It was a slow revelation I guess. A lot of questions, a lot of doubts and slowly I believed the truth. Slowly I saw that all the time I thought I had been running from God...he had never left me.  

Maybe you are questioning if God loves you...or maybe you are slowly seeing that He does...but you are so scared to take that first step.  My friends, this is faith.  Not being able to see what lies ahead but believing that what lies beyond this earthly world is better. I don't have all the answers, I still question, I still wrestle, and if I am really honest there are times that I am still angry. I could rattle off miracle after miracle that I have seen in my short life of God's mercy and goodness.  But there are also things that I still struggle with...that I still question "When am I going to see redemption win?" "How many times do I come before you Lord and I still can't see the victory?"  

I think that's ok.  Again, I think if we all sit here and wait to have everything figured out...well we will be waiting a very long time.  And if you do claim to have it all figured out, then you probably should do some soul searching. Because though I believe God is good and God loves me, there are still things I don't think I will understand, victories that I will not see won on this side of Earth.  But one day I will. Until that day...in my brokeness, in my imperfections, I cling to the cross and thank God for this day.  That "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us".  

Its hard to take a leap of faith...but it's freeing. Maybe like bungee jumping (I dont know because I have never bungee jumped).

Back to being loved...that is what this weekend is about to me.  And I just want anyone who is reading this to know they are loved too....whether you are on your knees pleading for a victory or maybe you are completely confident in yourself and don't think you need a God.  Where ever you find yourself this Easter, please here me...you are loved. 

It's hard to walk by through those walls...of the church.  I have been there. When you walked away for so long (for whatever your reason may be)...and then your fearfully take one step after the other.  You feel like everyone sitting around you is staring at you and knows you have doubts, hurts, anger. Can I tell you something...the church...our pastors...are human. They are broken too. We are human, we are going to make mistakes...but my faith is not in my church or my pastor. My faith is in Christ alone. Has my church been a central piece for helping me grow and know the Lord more...absolutely.  But it's scary...its scary to say "Lord I need you" to say "God i know you love me right where I am" its scary to walk by faith. But as I look back, once I got through some of those lies, I realized a life without believing God loved me and was there with me through EVERY storm, is way scarier.  

So I invite you to join me this Sunday, at our small church. Bring your doubts, your fears, your anger, your sadness...and let us dig through this together. Again, I don't claim to have all the answers.  But please don't wait until you think you have it all figured out on your own. Tomorrow is not promised. Let's stop pretending we are living picture perfect lives on Facebook and dive deep. If you don't have a church home, and you don't feel comfortable joining us this Sunday...the invitation is always there. Call me, for coffee for brunch for dinner.  I can't promise I will be able to answer all your questions, but I want you to know you are loved and He is calling you now.  He wants to carry your burdens, he welcomes your questions, fears and anger. (Read Psalms...its a great story of the ups and downs we often feel).  

So tonight as I go to bed, I remember the cross. Thank you for the cross.  And this Sunday, may my voice sing in praise the victory over death. 

"Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
We fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to Him who showed great love
And bled for us
Freely You've bled for us
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave" - Matt Maher

The Unlikeliest Gift

Click here to read my guest post on No Hands But Ours

We are literally ONE WEEK away from leaving for China!! This has been a huge week of blessings and craziness! Several people have asked how they can help this last week. We just found out that we were blessed and awarded a $4500 matching grant from Chosen & Dearly Loved Adoption Fund, administered by Lifesong for Orphans!! For every dollar that we raise, that will be MATCHED, doubling the amount we raise! Thank you all again for your PRAYERS and support!! 1 week to go....

T-Shirts For Charli

We have been working hard the past 7 months to bring home our daughter from China. We hope that we will get all the necessary approvals over the next few months and plan on traveling this Fall to bring her home. It would mean so much if you shared in our joy by purchasing a shirt to help bring Charli home. Throughout this adoption, the Lord kept whispering, to take courage my heart. Sweet Charli, who's Chinese name means "Hero" has already been through one open heart surgery as a newborn. The courage she, and so many other children have, is indescribable. May she be our encouragement, to take courage. "Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD!" Psalm 31:24

Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD!

Use the link below for the next 3 weeks to order your t-shirt! They are available in adult and youth sizes!

https://www.customink.com/fundraising/bringing-home-baby-charli