We kind of always said we would be done after 4 kids. Four children felt like a lot. Most days, OK all days, felt like we were barely surviving. But, then we would joke, maybe one more. I would find myself thinking through logistics of how to arrange car seats and how on earth we could possibly afford another adoption. I don't know why...but I was concerned what people would think. They would think we were crazy. Especially if you saw me on a day to day basis and saw how frazzled our days could be, how messy our house was, how we were already running from one appointment to another, from therapy visit to another therapy visit.
But what if...none of that mattered? What if there was one more child...waiting...that we could love? What if my biggest failures on a day to day basis were nothing too big for God, who promises that where He leads, He will provide and make a way. What if this was one more opportunity to show God's love? What if my heart needed to be broken more and more to a point of total dependence? What if our crazy yes was what the Lord longed to hear...not the groan of a fearful no?
After about one year of Charli being home (August 2019) we started discussions more and more. Where was the Lord leading us next? International adoption, foster care, private adoption, an international move for missions or work? Lord, just show us. Some days Matt and I were on the same page and other days we were feeling led towards different paths. So we continued to pray. Lead us into the unknown...a radically different life of unknowns.
If you haven't read this book...I highly recommend it. Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream
One day, once again, scrolling through Facebook, I came across the sweetest little boy being advocated for. Oh, if I could share his sweet smile. His determination. He was about 2 and a half years old and had a condition called Arthrogryposis that affected all four limbs. His file had been prepared for quite sometime, and no family had said yes.
So one day in August 2019, Matt texts me..."I think we should adopt _____." (Insert panic yet joy simultaneously in my heart). See, we are not eligible yet, Charli was only 2 years old. We couldn't begin the process for another 4-6 months. And this medical need, was definitely one we had not dealt with before. Would he be able to walk? Would he be able to use his hands? Would he ever be able to live independently? Who are the best doctors for this? Does insurance cover this, because therapy for Charli often felt like a battle. So, I just prayed...Lord bring him his forever family, fast. But that didn't feel like enough...we had to start researching. Matt and I both did more research over the next 2-3 months then we ever have on any one condition. It was scary, but it seemed like we were doing what we were supposed to do. We felt confident the Lord wanted to lead us this way. I continued to follow his file...had he been matched yet? Has any family said yes? Lord, is it us?
We started to approach the mark where we could pursue a new home study and sign with our agency. Again, it all sounded crazy...we wouldn't tell a soul...I didn't want to hear any opinions. I just needed to hear the Lord. So we started...and paper chased...and kept praying. Our social worker came out around Christmas 2019 and we quickly were finalizing our home study. (Remember we also have to have a completed home study to submit an LOI for a waiting child...we could submit an LOI in February 2020). Our agency had been in contact with the current agency that had his file, which we had now reviewed, and had several physicians review, and this agency did not have anyone moving forward. Could it really be? Is this our son? We started to dream together. We dreamed up setting up our garage to a physical therapy gym. We dreamed of hiking with him on Matt's back. We dreamed of him sharing a room with the boys. It's hard to not let your heart dream...even when you try to be guarded. But that's what your heart does...when it sees and feels love...it lets it's guard down and just dreams, and loves.
I can't remember the exact date...but I got a call from my agency. I figured they were calling to update me on home study logistics. But this call was different. I could tell in her tone that was not why she was calling. This sweet little boy, who we had rushed to complete a home study for, who we had dreamed about, who we had grown to already love, had been matched with another family who's home study was approved and ready.
I remember pacing the driveway, listening to her talk...trying to hold back the tears. "It's ok...this was my prayer...that he would find his forever family...and if it wasn't us, that there was another family who loved him and would race to bring him home." This was my prayer...all along. I just didn't think that was how the story was supposed to end. It was bittersweet..I went from advocating for him myself, on my own Facebook page, praying for him to find a family, then slowly falling in love, thinking I was walking in obedience. One less. That day, he had a family say yes, and I had to cling to that joy. Joy for him, and joy for this family.
I'm not going to lie. I mourned. I cried. I cried a lot. I felt guilty for mourning and for crying. He had a family...how selfish of me? But why Lord...did we hear you so loud to move? To move for him? But I guess that is the path of walking into the radical unknown...what lies ahead is not what is expected. But it doesn't mean it was wrong. The Lord was still there...He was our guide, our Shepard. So, now we mourn, but we also rejoice for one less. We rest in Him, for a moment, to take a breath from this race. And we continue to fix our eyes on things above...and not strain our eyes to see what lies ahead.
So now what? Were we wrong in moving forward anymore down this path? Is there a side trail...maybe a detour route we should be taking? Lord lead us. Maybe we were supposed to open up our home for foster care...or move to the Phillipines for Matt's work? Speak Lord speak. I wish I could say I had some vivid dream or heard some loud booming voice. But I didn't. But, that doesn't mean He wasn't there. "Be still and know that I am God."
So we paused. But not really, because at this point, all of our documents and visits were done for our home study. Fees were already paid. We were going to have an approved home study either way. So we let the agency do their work...and we were still.
I continued to follow advocacy posts. And eventually our homestudy was done. But the peace of moving forward with a specific child just wasn't there. I asked our agency about several children, but the peace I have had before never came. Lord...what is your desire?
TBD...
"Whatever your plan is
You will make a way for it
Whatever Your will is
Come and do it here" - Bethel Music
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