Road Back to China...

Well, we have officially announced our second adoption and I have been meaning to write all the details of this beautiful story down before I forget them all.  This time our adoption journey looks much different...or at least how it came to be.  Forgive me in advance, as this is a very long story, but if I don't write it down, I will regret it. Also, I will preface this with a lot of the magnitude and miracles in this story may not make since unless you have been through an international adoption. But again, I have to write this down so I can always have somewhere to go and read the details of this miracle...God's miracle.

Rewind to 18 months ago...when we brought Morrissey home.  There was never a doubt in Matt or I's mind that we would adopt again.  We felt fairly certain that the Lord had plans for our family to grow again (one day) through another adoption, and most likely China.  I have said it before and I will say it again, you can't undo what your eyes see. As hard as this journey is at times, the beauty from ashes, makes it so worth it.

So we had our plan...we needed Xander and Morrissey to really be in Kinder before we had another child, because I wasnt quite sure I could have 3 under the age of five, or afford childcare for 3 under the age of 5. That would mean we would wait until they were close to the age of 4 and then start the homestudy process.  This is how we did it with Morrissey. We started our homestudy and submitted our dossier to China and waited for a "match". This is called the LID route. Of course, all the while, everyday I would look at waiting children and wonder if they were our son/daughter.  I even requested a few files the first year Morrissey was home, of waiting children and would pray/wonder...could they be? Everytime I would show Matt a picture he would smile, but gently say, not yet.

But I kept seeing faces and thinking quite possibly doing a dossier re-use HAD to be God's plan for us. For those not in the adoption community, that would mean we would use the same agency and submit a LOI (letter of intent) for a waiting child by our one year adoption anniversary of Morrissey.  There were many benefits to this, and gosh there were so many children that needed families now. So, I contacted our agency we used for Morrissey and just let them know I was interested in this, and to let me know if they had any children who they come across with congenital heart disease that needed a family. I filled out the preliminary application and continued to pray.

Shortly after this, China changed their rules and two of them affected our family and would prevent us from adopting from China at that time. First, they no longer allowed a dossier re-use, you had to wait a year in between adoptions. The second rule was that the youngest child in the home had to be three. Xander would not be three until February 26th 2018.

Holt contacted me and said they would be closing my application at this time but once the children were a little older to reapply.  As crushed as I was, I knew God had a plan and I was just thankful that we still could eventually adopt...but we just had to wait.

So I started planning big family trips for the five of us and had prepared myself that we would wait another year...I was ok with this. Matt's dad was very ill, and we knew our time with him was limited, Morrissey was still significantly struggling with sleep, we had just moved houses, and had several other big changes.  I was ok with waiting.

September 11th 2017:  I was doing my usual scrolling through pictures of waiting children and this evening the Little Flowers Facebook page.  Remember, Little Flowers was Morrissey's second home in China.  This is where she lived for about 9 months and because of them was able to have her open heart surgery in China.

Suddenly, I saw this face...and those eyes...and something in me just stopped.  I didnt know anything about her, but it was as if she was looking back at me. I kept staring at the picture and then I showed it to Matt. "Matt...look at her...maybe she is our daughter?" He smiled...but this time he didnt say "not yet."  He said "she's beautiful." Then I started laughing and told him, well, she is super young, she wont have a file ready yet. So, there is no way...but she is beautiful!

A few days passed...and a second picture popped up of her.  She had been evaluated in Beijing and was in need of immediate open heart surgery. Something in me, just kept stirring...like I needed to ask about her. Maybe I just needed to ask about her so I could pray more fervently, or maybe there was another reason.

Again, she was young. There was no way she had a file prepared...and therefore was not "adoptable".  That doesnt mean that she wouldnt eventually be, but you have NO idea when a file will be prepared for any specific child or if it even will.  And...even if she ever did have a file ready, having your agency find that file, is like finding a needle in a haystack. It doesn't happen.  There are just too many variables. And I knew that...but still something wouldn't stop stirring in my heart..

Oh...remember how I said this situation, doesnt happen. Well it does sometimes, just very very rarely.  But, the funny thing is, I do happen to have one dear friend who this did happen to. Remember Morrissey's best friend from Little Flower...Ying?  Her mommy found her the same way. She saw a picture, of a little girl whose file wasnt ready, and she took a huge leap of faith, picking an agency and by the miracles of God...that agency was able to get Ying's file.  So, it happens...it happened to Morrissey's best friend..Ying. And did I tell you what this sweet little girl's name was that I had been staring at for 5 days was....Ying.

So, on September 16th I emailed about 10 different agencies, including our first agency asking about what their waiting families looked like, explained the scenario, asked about fees etc.  I made it very clear, that regardless what happened with Ying, that Matt and I wanted to adopt again.  In particular, we wanted to adopt a child with CHD again.  Every agency told me the same thing, which I expected, the chances of getting Ying's file was slim to none.  But I was able to at least get an idea of which agencies had a long list of families waiting and which ones did not have a lot of families waiting.  In this process of emailing, I was able to find out that Ying was with a partnership orphanage.  What does that mean...that means that the orphanage that she was at, would have all their children's files go to one specific US agency.  So, this changed things...I knew where her file would go. BUT...China also changed another rule in 2017. Partnerships were ending on December 31st 2017.  Files would no longer go to specific agencies, but instead all be released to a shared list.  I found out which agency Ying's file would go to...and contacted them.  Much to my surprise they had ZERO families open to congenital heart disease.  But, we were 10 weeks away from December 31st.  This agency told me the likely hood of her file being prepared by the end of the year, was again, slim to none.  So, if her file was ready before Dec 31st it would go to them, if not, it would go to the shared list. The agency could still try for it, but it is so so so hard to find a file on the shared list.

Matt and I talked about it for several more weeks and ultimately just kept feeling this crazy push to move forward. It seemed impossible, it seemed comical to think this could even happen. But, our thought process was...if they cannot find Yings file...then we hope and pray she is with her forever family that God had picked for her. And if her forever family was not us, well then we would still be all set and ready to go with this agency who had no families open to CHD.  So, as soon as Xander was 3, they could look on the shared list for a child who had CHD.  Remember...there are thousands of children on the waiting list.  Thousands.  So...crazy at it sounded...as impossible as it sounded...we just kept taking one step after the other.  And all along we said, whatever happens is meant to be. And IF by some miracle our agency ended up with Yings file, then there is no doubt...that God choose her for our family.  It was a miracle and a situation that could only be orchastrated by God.  So we laughed...one step after the other...prepping our homestudy and trusting that God knew more than we did. It was not our job to know the details of how this would work out...it was simply our job to be obedient.

The weeks passed and before we knew it, it was December. Up until this point, we haven't told anyone about this crazy string of events except for a few close adoption friends. We were trying to keep our hearts guarded knowing the chance of HER being our daughter was very unlikely.  As we got closer and closer to Christmas, our agency still did not have her file and Matt's dad was getting sicker and sicker by the day.  Because partnerships were ending as of the 31st of December, her file had to be signed and to the CCCWA by the last business day for the year, December 29th.

On December 23rd, we celebrated our last Christmas with Matt's dad, Charlie.  We held his hand and opened presents and cherished the hours we had together.  The kids knew PaPa was sick so they made him special presents and we each took our time opening each present.  As I mentioned, before this day, we had not told very many people. But knowing our days were limited with Charlie, Matt and I decided that we really wanted to share this news with him. We wanted him to know, that whether it was her, or another boy/girl, Charlie would have another grandchild.  So, as the evening came to an end and we were circled around Charlie...we had him open one last card. In the card, Matt wrote sweet words and included several pictures of the little girl we had been praying about.  He wept as we shared the details of her story. Matt and Charlie pulled out a map and looked up her birth city and we all talked about going back to China and the miracles that needed to happen in order for HER to be our daughter.  Finally, we shared with him...her name. Charli Ying Gonzalez. This was my last conversation with Matt's dad.

The next week (the week of Christmas) was one of the hardest weeks my heart has been through.  Matt spent most of the week and nights with his immediate family and by his dad's side.  I stayed home and watched the kids and tried to help prepare Wyatt's heart for what was about to happen. 

This was also our last week, the last chance we had to see if Ying's file would be ready and prepared by the last business day of the 2017 year.  It had to be signed at the province level by Friday December 29th.  On Thursday, I called our agency and they said it still had not been signed.  I was sad, but I understood..I knew all along this was a slim to none chance. Plus, with the grieving in my heart over Matt's dad, it was all too much to process.  I just remember rocking with Wyatt and trying to soak in the little moments of joy that week...knowing there was nothing I could do about Matt's dad or Ying...except pray. 

Friday Morning December 29th:  Matt had stayed the night at his parents and I was home with the kids.  Matt called me around 11am and told me his daddy had passed.  Our hearts were broken. I wasn't going to tell Wyatt yet, but he saw me and he knew.  We sat together, cried together and  I explained as best as I could that his PaPa was no longer in pain. There is so much unknown, so much I couldnt explain to him. But I did tell him that even though we dont know all the answers, God does.  God can see a much bigger picture than our feeble eyes ever will be able to see.  That is faith.  Faith in something bigger, someone bigger, who loves us.  And one day when we are standing face to face in front of the King, all this suffering will be gone...and our eyes will be opened to HIS story. 

"You give and take away. Blessed be Your name." Job 1:21

Back to that morning.  After getting the kids settled and my cousin coming over to watch them, I got in the car and started driving to Matt's parents house.  On this drive, just a few hours after Matt's dad had passed...my phone rings. It is my agency.  "Her file was signed! We have her file!" The last day it could have been signed in order for it to be released to my agency. It was signed and they emailed us her file. 

So in the same day as we looked through funeral home arrangement papers and planned for celebrating Charlie's life here on earth...we also for the first time, were able to see Ying's file....the only bits and pieces we had of her short life so far. 

Over the next month or so, we still kept everything very discreet.  I think we were in shock over what God had done and still processing so much from not only Matt's dad's death, but also the details of Ying's story.

So here we are, racing to finish paperwork and bring our daughter home. We are overjoyed and honored that God chose us to be Charli's parents.  Of course we still have many fears, just like last time.  But we are trusting that just as God so perfectly ordained the beginning of this story...He will also be faithful to every detail in the remainder of the story.  

So here's to another chapter of unknowns...and to bringing home Charli...our next littlest light. 

 "Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait on the Lord." Psalm 31:24