Over the next 6 months or so, we have planned several different fundraisers to help raise funds for our adoption expenses. Right now, we are working on a jewelry sale, t-shirt sale, garage sale in addition to our main fundraising site for general donations.
The first project is a jewelry sale! It is really a small world how this project fell into place. I am a member of various China Adoption Groups, and a fellow adopting family posted about a fundraiser they were participating in. It was beautiful hand-crafted jewelry that immediately caught my eye. Here is what I read when researching this Etsy shop...
"Humble Bee Project was created with the sole purpose of crafting jewelry to represent and further the Kingdom of Christ.
We do this by serving not only the poor, orphaned, and widowed all over the world with a portion of sales, but also serving those that are called to go out from their own home to pursue such as these.
"She opens her hands to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy." Proverbs 31:20
Humble Bee Project uses coin currency from a diverse set of nations to create customizable rings, necklaces, and bracelets that can serve as a "stone of remembrance" and reminder that God is a faithful and good keeper of His Promises. He takes care of those in need and will not forget the orphans or the widows."
Little did I know, after reaching out to Melissa, the owner of Humble Bee Project, I would find out that she not only lived in my town, but she attended my church and we had a couple of mutual friends. Her heart and desire for the nations mimicked ours and I was so excited to hear about how God was using her talent.
Not only did a portion of all her sales support a ministry I was familiar with and also supported (Naomi's Village in Kenya) but she had recently started monthly adoption sales which would be used to help families who were adopting raise these funds.
So, she graciously offered to work with our family this month and help us create a few jewelry pieces that would help spread the word and meaning behind adoption, but also help our family as we start fundraising.
As I sit down to really try and identify a certain moment in time where I knew we would adopt, I really can't. I can say, that my heart has always been heavy for the orphan, for the fatherless (or motherless). It started with several short term mission trips where I saw first hand the need for mommies and daddies. As I have mentioned before, I don't know why God choose me to be born in Flower Mound, why I was so blessed to have both a mommy and a daddy to love me and raise me, but I was....that was His plan for me. As a grew older, it became obvious, there is life beyond this town. There are lives here in the U.S. and lives around the world that are hurting and broken.
But friends, let me remind you, that wherever you were born, whatever you were born into, we are all broken. But He is our healer, He is our rescuer.
So this desire stirred in our heart...an ache to love more. Where did this desire come from? I can promise you one thing, it is not of my own flesh. I believe, that our God stirred in us this desire. Our ultimate Father, can take all brokenness and make good. So this ache...it's HIS heart. He loves each child he created....myself included. Once I believed that, that I am loved...then over time that love poured out. Again, not of my flesh, but of His.
His love can be poured out in so many ways...His work in each of us is unique and different. But, with confidence, I can say, His plan for our family is to grow through adoption. This is one way we are being called to love more. "We love because He first loved us" 1 John 4:19
Adoption was actually a topic of conversation the night Matt and I met. I had just came home from Zambia and was quick to tell of all God did. You would have thought that might scare him off...but I guess God was doing a work in his heart too. So from the first day we met...it was there...this ache. We didn't know what it would look like, but we simply followed. One conversation turned into the next, one circumstance led to another, and here we find ourselves in 2016 waiting for this child to call our own. We love her though we have not met her, we love her even though there is just a hope for her.
Thank you God for loving us, broken as we are. May your love overflow in our family and may we be a glimmer of light in the darkness.
“In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:16
With hearts full of happiness we are so excited to finally share...
I will be using this blog as a way of keeping track of the details of our journey. Stay tuned for more details and take a look at our timeline to see what we have been up to the past 9 months. We also have included a link to our fundraising site! Thank you in advance for your prayers and support. God is good.
I found this old letter of mine from 8 years ago. My passion for other countries started before this trip, but I must say, this particular trip was life-changing. Here are the words from my 24 year old-self.
Well, it is now the beginning of September and I wanted to write and
update you on the past 6 months. I must start by saying that this time has been
centered around change: change in so many areas of my life. And as most of you
know, I definitely have a hard time with change. But, it is during those times
in life, when the path is uncertain, that your faith and trust in the Lord
deepens as you learn to lean on Him and truly let Him guide your steps. “In his
heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
In May, I traveled with a team of 5 to Berlin, Germany. We worked with a local
church there and had the opportunity to minister to college students, to pray
for the city as we walked through different areas of darkness and to help out
this local ministry in any way possible. The ministry that took place during my
3 weeks in Germany was very different than previous mission trips. Germany is
very similar to the United States in the sense that people there are not
convinced of the deep need that cries from their heart. And if someone does not
think they need anything, this presents many challenges when sharing the
gospel. BUT…a challenge that is not too big for our mighty God. In fact, it was
beautiful to see how God was using the local missionaries there to reach out to
Germany. It is completely centered on relationships. Building relationships and
investing in others, while patiently waiting for the people of Germany to see
that this love we give to others is a love that only comes from Christ. And
with time, the eyes of Germany, and I believe the world, will see something
different about Christianity. They will see the Light of Christ shining out of
us. And this Light has and will continue to change and ultimately save a dying
world. “In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see
your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:16
I arrived home from Germany about 36 hours before my graduation from pharmacy
school. I still can not believe that I have graduated. What a wonderful day
that was to walk across the stage, among my friends, and look out and have my
family and friends there to support me. I thank you all again, for your support
and encouragement during the past 6 years. God truly blessed me by your words
of encouragement, your love, and the countless other ways that you supported
me. I must admit, a part of me really misses school. Going from being a full-time
student to a full-time pharmacist is definitely a change and one that I am
still adjusting to. However, in the end, I know that it is time for a beautiful
chapter in my life to be closed, and a new one to be opened. I can not wait to
see what this next chapter will look like.
About a month after graduating, I was blessed once again to embark on a journey
that would change my life. On July 5th, I left the country, AGAIN, for the
country of Zambia. Let me give you a little background information on Zambia.
Zambia lies in southern Africa and is ranked as the 7th worst human poverty
index in the world. The life expectancy is around 38 years of age. A large part
of this is due to the devastation of the AIDS virus. What happens when a
population has this short life expectancy? It leaves a country where half the
population is less than 15…and over 1 million orphans. Orphans that are left to
survive on their own, to go to bed at night hungry, and even worse…1 million
orphans who go to bed at night terrified, wondering if this will be their last
night in the nightmare they were born into.
So, I left to go see this country for myself. I had no idea what I could
possibly do, or how God was going to use me. But I left, for one week, to just
get a mere glimpse into their life. Little would I know that this glimpse into
their life would change mine. I went with an organization called Family Legacy
Missions. This ministry has, since 2001, poured into the lives of Zambian
orphans and allowed an opportunity for other Americans to be a part of this
life change as well. For 8 weeks during the summer, in Lusaka Zambia, there is
Camp Life! What is Camp Life? Well, each week, around 900 orphans or vulnerable
children come to camp to experience life ABUNDANTLY. For one week, they are
taken from their nightmare to be loved and given words of Truth. From the ages
of 5-17, these orphans come in, broken and bruised, from the inside out, and
experience a week of life change.
I had a group of 17 beautiful girls who were aged 12-16. The theme for this
year was Freedom in Christ. They were taught about the lies that Satan feeds
them and then given truth: They are LOVED, ACCEPTED, SECURE, SIGNIFICANT,
VICTORIOUS and FREE in Christ. Majority of my girls had not heard the name of
Jesus prior to Monday morning. By the end of the week, they not only believed,
but they were running through their villages telling others of our amazing King
and how much He loves us.
During the week, I had time to spend one-on-one time with each girl, to hear her
story, and to pray for her. I will not go into detail about each story (though
I would love to) but I just want to take this opportunity to share that these
stories were indescribably horrific. Listening to the girls cry as they told me
what they went home to every night, left me bowing at the feet of Christ,
begging Him to reach down and spare them. Why was I so fortunate to be born
into what I was? I didn’t choose Flower Mound, Texas. And they didn’t choose
Zambia, but now they have to live in it, fighting each day to survive.
All week, I kept praying for God to continue to open my heart so I could feel
the pain they felt. See, your first response is to want to close up, to believe
that what you are seeing and hearing is not true. So, I continued to pray
fervently all week, that I would not become cold toward the devastation I was
seeing. On the last day, I had to say good-bye to 17 girls who I had become so
close with. I had to look into their eyes, which were now filled with the hope
of Christ, and tell them I had to go home; worse…to tell them that they had to
go home. I cried as I begged them to continue to be filled with joy even after
Camp Life was over. See, the joy that I saw in their eyes, was not from
ANYTHING that I said or did directly, it was from the amazing work of Jesus
Christ. So, even after camp was over, they were SAFE and SECURE in Christ. For
the last hour we were together, we as a group decided to spend that time crying
out to Jesus together. I can still hear their waling so vividly, and I pray
that I never forget the sights and sounds specifically from that last hour
together. As painful as it was to watch them cry out like they did, the only
thing that gave me comfort and peace was to know, they were crying out to Him,
the ultimate healer of all wounds. That week He saved them and for the short
days remaining in their lives, He will forever be the protector of their heart.
And one glorious day, we will all rejoice together at the feet of Him who saved
us all.
So, now I am home once again, and I just had to share with you not only what
was going on in my life, but what was going on in Choolwe’s life, in Tisa’s
life, in Clara’s life, and in the life of all the other 1 million Zambian
Orphans. So, what can we possibly do for a country that is so far away? Friends
and Family…the options are ENDLESS.
Well I think that is it for now. Please feel free to contact me if you have
any questions. I love you all so much and I am so excited to share with you
this passion God has laid on my heart and I hope that you too will feel a pull
in your heart to pray for these children. Because if we don’t….who will?
“Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of God is this: to visit the widows
and the orphans in their distress.” James 1:27
Nikukondani
(I love you all)
Sothis was just over 8 years ago. Since then I have had the opportunity to go back to Zambia two additional times, once with Matt. Since having children, we haven't been able to go on any international mission trips, but I know that day is coming. This time, with our kids in tow. Oh how I long to see my boys serving others, to grow and learn to love like Christ, to see life outside the U.S. I pray for their little hearts now, that they will see the light of Jesus Christ and that through Him, they will be a LIGHT in a dark world.
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19
Xander Luis...you entered this world on February 26th, 2015 and our lives have been forever changed. Actually, the years and days leading up to your earthly arrival were some of the hardest and greatest days our family has shared. We did not lose hope, we did not lose heart. Isn't that everyone's story...days of celebration, days of mourning, days of peace and days of chaos. But, wow, to know our GOD, is CONSTANT. I am a planner....I like to know how things are going to turn out. But this pregnancy was a little different. Disclaimer: Xander was and has been completely healthy...but Satan had a way of trying to sneak in and cover me in fear anytime he could. I wish I could say I never struggled with fear or doubt, but I would be lying. Even when Xander was finally in my arms, I was somehow overcome by BELIEF and DISBELIEF. Is that even possible?? I guess so.
Back to February 26th...the day was perfect. I had wanted a VBAC, but slowly my heart changed and the Lord made it clear that was not best for me. And, honestly, I was relieved. I got to tuck Wyatt into bed one last time as a single child, prepare my heart that morning and walk into the hospital at 5am. No laboring for 24 hours to end in C-Section like last time. Just a smooth, beautiful morning. My mom and dad showed up around 4:30...and like my daddy always says..."It's show time." The preparation, the surgery, everything went perfectly except for a little vomiting. But, when do I not vomit?? And, once again, we didn't know....baby girl or baby boy. But at 7:55am....I saw HIM...Xander Luis. Thank you Lord. We are so so so undeserving of this gift? Why us? Why would You choose us to be Xander's mommy and daddy? I don't know why...but He did. Thank you Lord. The highlight of the day...telling Wyatt he had a baby brother. I was adamant that he would be the first to know, the first to see baby Xander. It was so perfect. My heart was so full.
The recovery was definitely easier this time around. And things just seemed more natural. Unfortunately, PPD would rear it's ugly head once again at around Day 10, just like last time. It wasn't any easier this time. It was still some of the hardest, darkest days my soul has felt. It is devastating to be swallowed in a darkness that has no real source. It is devastating to literally go from joy to being paralyzed in a matter of hours. But this time, Matt and I had prepared, we knew what to look for. We knew what had to be done when this disease started to cast it's shadow over me. And as the days went on, the sun began to shine again. I began to be able to feel my breath again. PPD is a funny thing, because you aren't yourself....so my anchor, my Lord, I couldn't even feel Him. You are just in a fog. But, when the fog cleared, I knew once again, He didn't leave me. And somehow, through those dark days, He will be glorified. Oh Xander....you are quite the opposite of your big brother. What a fun year it has been. Umm....you have blonde hair and blue eyes by the way. You are exactly what our family needed. I can't wait to see what all the Lord has planned for you.
So, for now, we are enjoying making memories and praising the Lord for our family of four. We will see what the future holds though...Lord willing, we can be four plus more.
Have you ever noticed the beauty of a stone?Take a wedding ring…it’s often a beautiful
stone that is complimented by either other stones, or an additional band. It’s
perfect and unique. Though other stones out there may look similar to an outsider,
your ring is completely unique.And you
can’t imagine it any other way.
A lesson that has been slowly revealed to me over the past year
or so is the perfect and unique nature of each of our lives.Just like a beautiful wedding ring, our story,
because it is written by God, is perfect and unique.Every second of our lives were weaved
together, like a patch on a quilt, to complement each other and in the end, create
a beautiful masterpiece.Every crushing
trial and every joyous blessing, as it passed through the hands of our God, was
perfect and unique to our life story.
I bought two beautiful rings recently from James Avery, to
remember two lives that were important to me.They were two birthstone rings, so I had no choice in the color, but God
did.And as I slipped my two new rings
on my finger, I couldn’t help my smile through my sadness, that these two
stones complimented each other.I couldn’t
imagine one without the other.They were
perfect. And alone or apart from each other, it would be a totally different.And so I was reminded, that each step in our
journey here on earth, was created to all be interwoven to create a
masterpiece.Through life’s first cry,
to death’s final breath, HE is doing something in you, creating a masterpiece.
Sometimes, when you are in the storm, you can’t see the
beauty and you definitely can’t see the why behind it.I will be honest, there are so many things I
can think of, that I still don’t understand why.But I do know, that is wasn’t meaningless.And one day, when I am standing before the
thrown, it will all make sense.That
beautiful quilt, filled with crushing trials and numerous mountaintops, will be
revealed in full.And it will honor
Him.It will glorify Him.Because I didn’t create it, only He did.He knew what patch would accentuate the
other, He knew the color of each thread.
So be reminded today, that whether you have just witnessed
the miracle of life as a new cry filled the room, or whether you said goodbye
too soon to someone that you loved, that God is there. Whether you are in a
season of waiting, a season of loss, or a season of overwhelming blessings, He
is there. When all else changes, He is constant.He is good.
My mind seems to always find its way back to some dark
days.Often, at night, when everyone
else is sleeping…which, explains why I am writing this at 2am on a night I can’t
sleep.This is about 2 years
overdue.But, as part of trying to process
some past feelings (or feelings that still can haunt me at night) I thought I
would try to journal.Maybe, this can
bring some peace…if not to me, then maybe to someone else.
PPD (Post-Partum Depression)…I had heard of it and read all
about it before I had Wyatt.http://www.postpartumprogress.com/the-symptoms-of-postpartum-depression-anxiety-in-plain-mama-englishHaving a 15 year history of depression and
anxiety prior to Wyatt, I knew that this was a possibility.But, I guess, minus the hyperemesis
gravidarium during pregnancy….I was feeling great.I was excited, not really scared, and
definitely not depressed.I was prepared
for this baby, had read every baby book I could find, was completely convinced
I would have a successful vaginal delivery and of course breast-feed for a full
year.Mind over matter…right?
Well, the Lord had slightly different plans.Without going into too many details on Wyatt’s
birthday…I will say I ended with C-Section.At first, it didn’t shake me too much. Honestly, I had such a long
difficult labor that just finally getting to know if it was a boy or a girl, a
daughter or a son, was all I could wrap my mind around.I couldn’t believe it…a boy. My precious son…Wyatt
Locke.You were here and healthy…I loved
you.
Fast-forward about 5 days.Honestly, I remember it pretty vividly.The day my milk came in. LBefore I knew it, it was as if this monster
of fear had engulfed my mind.I sobbed
as the nurses told me I had to go home.And the sobbing didn’t stop…
What was wrong with me?Here I was with a healthy baby, and it took everything in me to keep it
together.My mind just raced with
anxiety.Irrational fears that I couldn’t
soothe my baby, that I couldn’t feed my baby, that I would fall asleep and miss
something and he would be harmed.The
anxiety was crippling, like I was moving in slow-motion through a movie.All the visitors, and their happy voices,
were piercing to my heart.Couldn’t they
see it? Couldn’t they see that I was incapable of raising a baby?
This anxiety just fed the depression.Day by day, hour by hour, I began to be
convinced that I would never be the mom God intended me to be.Flashbacks of pushing and pushing and pushing
and still no baby…that had to be my fault right?Not to mention, that I would just be
paralyzed each time I fed Wyatt.I am
not sure if it was fear or sadness that crippled me…but I felt frozen in
time.Breastfeeding HAS to work though…I
already had a C-Section, now if I can’t breastfeed, I really am a failure.
I dreaded the phone calls, texts, people coming to
visit.I just tried to act like it was “Great”
and that I was just sleepy.But if they
only could see into my mind.My perfect
and amazing husband recognized it all before I did.I couldn’t eat…not even bagel bites. J I just wanted to
sleep.But when I would wake up I would
just cry more.I didn’t want to “harm”
myself…but I just didn’t want to “be.” I didn’t want to wake up because these “daymares”
and tears would continue.And if one
more person asks me “Are you nursing” I really might lose it.When did that become a question that ANYONE
felt like they could ask.That question
was a dagger to the heart.I would
answer “I am trying…”
Add on guilt…guilty I had a C-Section, guilty I was having trouble
with feeding, guilty I was anxious, guilty I was stricken with sadness and
guilty that all while I was having these feelings, I had dear friends who were
praying fervently for a child of their own.Why did the Lord give me this child?Obviously, I can’t do it…and there are others who would love the opportunity
to raise a child, and they would be a “super-mom.”Not me…no super mom here.
A few weeks went by…and each day got worse and worse.Being so hard on myself, I ignored some
classic signs of mastitis.Before I knew
it I had another medical issue that I let get out of control.So, finally, between this and the emotional
pit I was in…I finally went to see my OBGYN.
We talked through everything, the guilt, the C-Section, breastfeeding,
my history of depression/anxiety, mastitis. First up to address…mastitis…Not
just, fever, flu-like symptoms, antibiotics will make it better mastitis.Mastitits with an abscess that bought me a
double biopsy because the muscle tissue was so damaged from the infection.Second up…the anxiety/depression.I so wanted to will my way through this
one.But given the fact that I was
barely eating, having extreme panic attacks and of course my long history … her
recommendation was to start taking a medication for PPD.There were a couple of options, but going
with my history and what had worked in the past, we came up with a regimen that
would hopefully quickly work.This is
exactly what I was on up until the day I found out I was pregnant, when I
stopped everything .Unfortunately, this
regimen, was a no-go for breastfeeding.I knew that stopping breastfeeding would in itself help alleviate the
depression and was also the recommendation from the breast doctor after my
biopsys.But the guilt…felt
crushing.
So, I started on my new regimen.And we started formula.I couldn’t watch the first time Matt gave him
a bottle.It broke my heart.I was failing.Visitors continued to come…”Are you nursing?”“How is breastfeeding?”…each time a dagger to
my heart.Seeing my friends nurse, or
even the nursing room at church, again…a punch in the stomach.A good friend kept gently reminding me…”Wyatt
needs a healthy mommy more than breastmilk”Thank God for this friend…those were the words I needed to hear.
My family and husband constantly reminded me “You are a
great mom”…those are the words I needed.
Another healing moment for me…a dear friend and her mom came
over to bring food.Her mom is a prayer
warrior. This same mom who prayed with me during high-school as I suffered
through depression then, was here on my couch 10 years later.She didn’t come to give advice, she just came
to listen, to hug me and pray for me.I
sobbed…but these tears were different, they were healing.That’s what I needed, someone to listen…someone
to point me back to the Ultimate Healer, someone who could pray for me, as I
was too weak to pray.
Fast forward 1 month later…the world was looking
brighter.I was laughing, smiling…(ok,
actually I was still pretty stressed out over a crying baby…but I could totally
handle it!).I wasn’t paralyzed anymore…I
was just a normal new mommy, who definitely still has her breakdown moments,
tears and was exhausted. But deep down…I was joyous, despite normal daily ups
and downs.I didn’t feel like a
failure.Breastfeeding still haunted me
some…still does today.But, I love my
son, I love him with every ounce of me.And whether it was medication, stopping breastfeeding, lots of prayer or
a combo of it all…I could be Wyatt’s mommy.God made ME to be HIS mommy.His
plan was different then mine, and in the end…I think this whole experience reminded
me that He is in control, He is the ultimate healer, and to seek his approval
not man’s.
A few thoughts for things you can do if you know someone who
is suffering from PPD or has in the past…
1)Be sensitive to their birth story.Each story is different and God created that
story.But know that for some, there is
a mourning process associated with it.Some
women will mourn not ever having a true “pregnancy” but their birth story being
one of adoption.Some women will mourn
over not conceiving the way they had envisioned. Some women will mourn not
having a vaginal delivery.Be sensitive to
this…and remember God writes our story, so each story is perfect.
2)Be sensitive to breastfeeding.First, is it really your place to ask a women
if she is nursing? There were many who would ask me this when it was totally
appropriate, but I also had complete strangers ask me. Really? None of your business.
Some women never produce enough milk, some babies have an allergy so severe they can’t
take their moms milk, some women suffer other illnesses that require them to be
on medications they don’t want to expose their child too, some women physically
can’t due to latching issues, some women have premature babies and can only do EBM, some women go back to work at 6 weeks and are at a
job that pumping is nearly impossible.For all these women, they may be mourning not breastfeeding.Please , be sensitive in your comments on
this subject.
3)Be sensitive to PPD….Do not ask “What is wrong
with you?” or “Why are you crying?”.Trust me…these just make us feel worse.
4)Don’t say “It’s going to get better.” Or “It won’t
be as bad the second time”.I know these
actually seem like very encouraging statements. But, in the moment of PPD, we don’t
really need advice, and honestly you don’t know when it’s going to get better…1
week, 6 weeks, 6 months. Only God knows. So, instead, pray that it DOES get
better and gets better FAST.Instead of
assuming round 2 will be better, which in my mind minimizes the first episode,
listen to their concerns and PRAY against it the second time.Help them set up accountability to see an MD
when things aren’t looking up, help them set up appts with counselors, help them
recognize symptoms earlier, tell them that they are a GREAT mom.
5)Find anyone to talk to who has had PPD (not just baby blues).It always helps to talk to someone who knows
those feelings.If you don’t know
anyone.Here is a helpful website http://www.postpartumhealthalliance.org/If you have had a C-Section and needing encouragement
I recommend joining your local ICAN chapter.They are very supportive and often women who experienced a C-Section
have higher rates of PPD…so they are full of great information on the topic and
support groups.Breastfeeding support
groups I have heard are great for this too if you are still breastfeeding.
6)I didn’t really know anyone who had gone through
PPD, except 1 work friend. And it wasn’t until I read Down Came the Rain by
Brooke Shields that I finally felt “normal”.There was someone else out there that had been though those dark
days.A quote from her book…"I was in a bizarre state of mind," Shields describes,
"experiencing feelings that ranged from embarrassment to stoicism to
melancholy to shock, practically at once. I didn't feel at all joyful."
Shields assumed she'd bounce back in a few days, after resting from her
difficult labor. Instead, her feelings intensified: "This was sadness of a
shockingly different magnitude.It felt as if it would never go away."
"Find rest, oh my soul, in God alone. My hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation: he is my fortress, I will not be shaken" Psalm 62:5-6
ALL SMILES NOW :)
JJ Heller's "I Get to Be the One"
"I get to be the one to hold your hand I get to be the one. Through birthdays and broken bones I'll be there to watch you grow I get to be the one.
How does someone so small Hold my heart so tightly..."
I love you Wyatt Locke...you are my prince and I would do it all again just to see your face.
