Fears and Prayers...

So I have wrote a lot about the process we have been going through, the fundraising we are doing, the excitement that overflows when we think of sweet Ri.  But, I want to be completely honest in my fears, the hard side of adoption and things YOU can be praying for.

First, adoption is beautiful.  I would never argue different.  But, that beauty is from ashes. Behind each adoption is a story of loss.  In China, most children are not adopted as infants...they are older.  This makes the transition, and the trauma they have been through, not always easy as people tend to envision.  You are often loving a child who has had multiple caregivers, multiple homes and is scared.  So, I will jump right in to my first fear....Will she love me?

The truth is. I don't know. The truth is...it is going to take time for Matt and I to show Ri, that we are her parents. That we love her and we will not leave her, even when she may not love us.  That is unconditional love. That is the love that Christ gives.  I love her.  I love her and I want her to know that love.  But I know it will take time.  Ri has been in 3 different homes, in and out of the hospital and had countless caregivers.  At almost 2 years old, she is going to meet a complete stranger, and fly across the world into a completely new environment.  God, prepare all of our hearts for this transition.  God, I know that the day I meet her could be painful.  But let me see the beauty from ashes. God, calm Ri and her fears. Let her see safety in my eyes, let her learn to love me, let her let me love her.  Give me patience as I wait for her to see me as mommy.  Thank you for Ri. Thank you God for Ri's birth mommy, that she choose life for Ri. I do not know the circumstances around her abandonment, but I choose to believe that she loved Ri too.

I am scared for the details...the days, the flights, the hotel, what to pack, will I get sick, how much work to take off.  Pray for the details.  Pray I trust that even though I have no idea how this will all play out...God does. He knows. He knows every detail to this story. It is His story.

I am scared to have 3 kids. Sometimes I question if I am a good enough mom for 2...how am I going to parent 3?  How am I going to parent twins?  God give me the grace I need to forgive myself. May I not compare myself to anyone else, but follow your calling. You choose ME to be Wyatt, Xander and Morrissey's mommy. No one else. I am not perfect, but may I not focus on my imperfections, but instead focus on your love.

I am scared when I think about her health. God, I know you made her heart extra special. You knit together each cell to make it the beautiful beating heart that it is.  But God I pray her heart will continue to function well. I pray that her surgery was successful. I pray she goes many many years before having another surgery. I pray that she grows God...that she eats and grows big and strong.  God I pray for her doctors, that they will have wisdom when looking at her heart for the first time. I pray that I not live in fear but embrace that you are in control. So, no matter what the future brings, you are good, and nothing is a surprise to you.

I am scared to leave my boys and husband for two weeks.  Thank you God that my mommy will be there with me, witnessing and helping me as I become a mommy again.  But I pray for my boys and Matt at home. I pray they are not sad, or scared. I pray that technology will allow us to visit everyday. I pray for my heart as I will miss them.  I pray for safety for my mom and I.

And finally, sometimes I am just sad. I am sad that I missed 20 months of Ri's life. Why did it take so long?  One day without a mommy and daddy is too long. And now that I can see her face...I want to hold her today. Not tomorrow. Not October. I want her home. My heart misses her. My heart mourns the months we lost. That's the honest truth.

But God...thank you for your timing. Thank you for your plan. She is not just my daughter, she is Yours. She belongs to you. You gave her the breath of life. You sustained her in her sickest days. So, regardless of when she is in my arms, I pray I can remember YOU are the giver and taker of life.

God I promise to love her and to teach her to know your love. May others see her LIGHT. Your light.

Please don't get me wrong. We are over the top excited.  But I wanted to be honest in my fears as well, so that others can see both sides.  So you too can pray for us. Adoption is beautiful. He makes all things beautiful.

"To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their rightneousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for His own glory." Isaiah 61:3

Until we meet...goodnight princess.

Updates...

Well, we are moving along in the process and hurrying as fast as the U.S. and China will let us!  Here is a little of what we have been up to.  We sent our I800 off which basically is asking the U.S. approval of a specific child.  We got I800 approval on August 9th.  Then our approval is sent to the National Visa Center where it was assigned a GUZ#.  Now we are waiting for a letter called an RTF that is being sent to the US Embassy.  We also had our passports sent off for visa's.  We successfully received our passports back in our hands, with a 10 year Chinese Visa.  We also had a Power of Attorney, certified and authenticated. I will need this when I travel.  So...we are waiting for our RTF, then we will wait for Article 5 drop off and pick up, then wait for TA (Travel Approval), then wait for CA (Consulate Appointment)...then we book our flights.  But, right now, everything is looking like we will travel in October to get this sweet face...

We are wrapping up fundraising and have been blessed by a matching grant from Brittany's Hope.  Brittany's Hope is a 501(C)3 non-profit organization that is dedicated to aiding abandoned children around the world.  Along with orphan care projects, including child sponsorship, medical intervention a crib program and nutrition program, Brittany's Hope also provides grants to families adopting children internationally with special needs.  They will match any donation dollar for dollar up to $1500 and contribute this towards our adoption expenses.  So, if we raise $1500, they will grant us $3000. We are beyond greatful and this was a huge blessing as we near the day we get to bring Morrissey home. If you are interested in making a tax-deductible donation to help us reach this $1500 goal, you can use the link below.

www.brittanyshope.org/seedling/gonzalez

There is still so much more to Morrissey Ri and her story. Honestly, I am still blown away at some of the miracles that have happened recently. All I can say is God is good.  

Fears..Anxiety...that's a whole other blog.  Specific prayer requests...that's another blog too. As the day gets closer to holding our daughter I am overwhelmed with complete excitement, but I also have to keep my eyes on the author of this beautiful story. When my eyes stray, my flesh fails.  So, prayers that we will continue to keep our eyes on Him.  

Thank you God for beautiful Ri. Thank you for choosing us to be her mommy and daddy.  Please keep her safe, healthy, and growing strong. 

The Call...

June 24th 2016....

I was at work, when one of my co-workers says "Hey Ashley, you missed a call." I look at my missed calls and see a missed call from Eugene, Oregon. (I think my heart stopped)

For a split second, I thought, "Is this the call??" But then, I thought, there is no way. Our dossier head only been in China 11 weeks.  But then I checked my message and it was Beth, saying she wanted to talk to me about something. I step inside our conference room and call her back. Beth is the director of the China program at Holt.

"Ashley, I wanted to talk to you about a little girl....."

I think I heard bits and pieces of what she was saying...but definitely not all. I was slightly freaking out. (In a good way).  She was able to provide me with her age, basic health information and current living situation.  After spending the weekend talking with Matt, we decided that we definitely wanted to move forward and view her file.  At this point, we were given a pre-released file.  I was at home and Matt was at work...of course neither one of us could wait.  I immediately opened it, quickly scrolled through the Chinese characters that made no sense...and then I saw this...

The tears start flooding and I try to stay calm as I quickly open more documents that are in English. I read and re-read.  Ri was 5 weeks older than Xander and born with an extra special heart.  I tried to stay calm and use my brain to wrap my mind around the information I was reading...but my heart was already stolen. 

For those of you reading this that don't know a lot about me, I spent 7 years working in Pediatric Cardiology at Children's Medical Center Dallas as a pharmacist.  By NO means am I an expert, but for 7 years, this was my day, taking care of heart babies.  Little did I know...God had a little heart baby for our family. 

So, I was super lucky, and had the opportunity to make many friendships in this job and of course work with some of the best of the best in Cardiology.  So, thanks to a fellow co-worker and friend who specializes in Pediatric Cardiology, Ri's file was in a Cardiologist's hands within an hour. Between her and our cardiologist, we had valuable insight promptly. We also consulted our pediatrician, 2 international medicine physicians, and we had another Cardiologist that partners with our agency reviewing her file as well.  Now, as I have mentioned in previous posts...the medical information you are given is limited...it may not be accurate. We have to go in this knowing that. We were able to ask a few questions about Ri and get some updated photos and videos from our agency over the next week.  (By the way...at this point we have told NO family, and only one friend who happened to be at my house when I got the email referral). We wanted to get all the information we could and not have any bias. 

We spent every night talking more and more about Ri as we spoke with different physicians and got more and more information on her.  My heart was there.  And through much prayer and discussion, fears that we had subsided, peace began to cover us, and we knew THIS is our daughter.  God made HER for our family. 

Are we still scared?  Absolutely! The unknowns, the idea of twins (with Xander), the idea of traveling much quicker than planned, the burden of finances approaching sooner than planned. It's scary. But it was God's plan. And His plan is always best. Change is scary. Even when you are pregnant, you still have moments of fear right?  Moments where you think...God, can I do this?  But, that's when we try to redirect our thoughts. God..you are good. God, you will provide.  God, you are constant. 

There is so much more to this story....some I will share publically, and some, you will just need to make a dinner date with me to hear about. 

But, for now, we are in full throttle mode to get Morrissey Ri home as soon as possible. Thank you God for choosing US to be her parents.

We are coming baby girl...

"May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13

Fundraising and Fun!

We knew going into international adoption, that the cost was significant.  That being said, we knew that if the Lord calls you to something, He will provide.  Since we knew we had wanted to adopt, we had been saving our money to be able to put towards the cost once it started.  But, I really wanted to do a couple of fundraisers as well.  Not only would it help financially, but it would help with adoption awareness, and allow family and friends to help support and be a part of this journey.  

So...we decided on a few fundraisers.  The first one was a jewelry sale that I blogged about here . This was a fun, local, fundraiser that also helped a fellow church member.  We got to design different pieces of jewelry and now I have tons of friends that can wear these pieces and share with others when they get compliments!
The next fundraiser was a big one!  This one took the work of tons of family, tons of friends, tons of strangers!!  It was the ultimate backyard sale!  Luckily, I had a friend, (who is also adopting) who was an EXPERT at this process! So, I took any advice she had...and borrowed her tables, clothes racks, storage bins and cash box..and we got to work!!  Let me just say, that Matt and I didn't even have time to get to all the items we could have sold...because the donations were incredible!!! We had friends showing up with pick-up trucks full of AWESOME things. We had church members (who we had never met in our life) bring boxes and boxes of items.  We had big items, small items, and everything in between! So for about a month...we gathered donations.  Slowly our house, and my mom and dad's house began to be bursting at the seems.  We had everything priced and organized into categories around my parents house.  Then...we advertised.  Signs online, signs around the neighborhood, announcements through church...etc.  

Thursday night, my AMAZING parents and a couple of their friends, literally stayed up until 2am setting up everything in their backyard. My dad built amazing rods/hangers all around the backyard to hang certain items...it was incredible.  I had a multitude of friends that came by for hours to help us keep things organized, help us sell, watch our kids and just stop by to support.  

Then, my precious niece, who has the worlds coolest Lemonade stand...brought over her lemonade stand and sold lemonade and cookies with Wyatt.  Cookies, brownies, cupcakes all made by my grandmother and cousin.  

Are yall keeping track with how many people were involved in this?????  IT TOOK A VILLAGE.  But, it was worth every minute of it. The love our family and friends showed us that weekend we will never forget.  We could not have even begun to do that on our own.  So many people, gathering together, not just to raise money, but more importantly to share with others about adoption! 

We had several families that we met that weekend who had adopted themselves...their stories were all so unique and perfect. We had random strangers truly inquisitive over what adoption looked like for us.  That was worth every bit of work and sweat...just to talk to people about what God is doing. 

The garage sale ended with a bang....a massive storm blew through right after we shut down. And once again, my parents to the rescue. Gathering items as quickly as they could to try to save them.  

Here's a few pics from that weekend...

Cutest Helpers Ever

The Aftermath of the Storm

In addition to the actual yard sale...I spent a couple of weekends selling items online and to local consignment shops.

Finally, our latest fundraiser is a T-Shirt sale.  I am most excited about this one...because 1) I live in t-shirts 2) We got to help design the shirt.

This whole process, God kept just laying on my heart to BE A LIGHT.  It seems like everyday there is something bad, something dark, on the news.  I want to be a light...I want my family to be a light.  And I want others to know that the light that shines from us, is from something within, something bigger than us.  My flesh has failed...but my heart belongs to a greater God...He is the light.  There is a song that I love..an oldie but goodie...that I play for the boys a lot.  Here are some of the lyrics. 

"We are a family whose hearts are blazing
So let's raise our candles and light up the sky
Praying to our Father, in the name of Jesus
Make us a beacon in darkest times

Carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the helpless, deceived and poor
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world"

And so our t-shirt was created....

 

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16

Finally, we have been blessed to receive a matching grant.  I will blog more about this soon, but basically we are responsible for raising a certain number of funds, and this organization, Brittany's Hope will match dollar for dollar up to a certain amount.  Yay!! Thank you Lord!!

If you are reading this and thinking there is no way you could afford an adoption, domestic or international, please don't let that stop you, if that is where God is leading you. 

Did you know that the U.S. gives a tax credit to adopting families (not sure if it is both international and domestic) up to 13,000??  Did you know that many employers give adoption benefits and financial gifts to help support adopting families? Did you know that the number of grants out there is endless??  Did you know that with a little work, your friends and family and even strangers will support you and help you fund raise?  Local businesses, bake sales, online auctions, shoe drives, ....the list goes on.  Oh...AND, 1/3 of the cost of international adoption is travel.  So, you can look into finding a good credit card with rewards and start earning those points to pay for your flight and hotel! AND...you never know, you may have a friend or family who has extra points they can gift you! And this is just ideas for international adoptions...there are also many other support options for domestic adoptions and foster families.

So...in conclusion...I can't thank my family and friends enough for ALL their support.  Once again, IT TAKES A VILLAGE.

 

June 2016

June was quite an eventful month for us.  First up, my sweet baby boy turned FIVE!!!! How can it possibly be??  We had so much fun celebrating his birthday at the Sci-Tech Discovery Center. The theme was a Dinosaur Dig...and Wyatt was in heaven.  Wyatt is quite the little scientist and builder, so this place was perfect. All the kiddos got to explore the science museum, eat some donuts, make volcano's explode, and go on a dinosaur dig. 

Also in June, the Gonzalez family was plagued with sickness!!  Here's a little recap...

June 8th: I first notice swelling in Xander's cheek, and he was screaming/crying when he woke up. I thought it was a bug bite. So, gave him some Benadryl and Motrin and it seemed to help for the day.  The next day it happened again....and the next day.  So, finally after 3 mornings of this, I took him in.  They tested him for strep and mumps, though he had been vaccinated, so we thought that was rare.  The strep test came back positive pretty quickly and he was strep positive. Started Amoxil.  Within 24 to 48 hours he seemed MUCH better.  A few more days go by of health in our family, and then I get a call from his pediatrician that he actually tested positive for mumps....excuse me?!?!  How is that possible in a child who is vaccinated? (This is a hypothetical question and not meant to start any debate over vaccinating your children...please refrain from any comments on vaccination).  So, apparently mumps is rarely seen anymore because of the vaccine, and this was one of the first cases they had seen in a while. So, after contacting everyone he had been in contact with and the CDC...we thought we were over sickness. 

After that, Xander also had an ear infection, followed by another virus and a stomach bug.  And in the mean time, Wyatt got Strep too, but his took quite a while to get over requiring us to change antibiotics after 5 days of fever. 

Then I eventually got Strep and a stomach bug too...sigh.

They are going to run some tests on Xander eventually to check his immunity, because he has been the catcher of all bugs...including 8 ear infections (and he has tubes).  Plus the whole mumps thing is still a little odd.

Either way, both kids have been fever free for a good 10 days I think??  Something like that...who's counting. 

Other June events...getting ready for our ultimate garage sale.  Lots of sorting, pricing, organizing, selling thing online...all trying to help raise funds to bring Baby Girl HOME!!

And of course, if you read my previous post, we had an emotional goodbye with some dear friends of ours.

I think that somes of June....maybe.  ;)

Adoption Timeline

So...what have we been up to the last 12 months. Well, you can check our adoption timeline on the blog if you like. But, I will try to summarize what we have done so far...and what happens next.

We knew adoption was going to happen and were excited to start the process soon after Xander was born.  Like I mentioned in previous blogs, some countries can take years before you can bring your child home, others are more quick. But, either way, we officially started the process in July 2015. 

We had decided on the country, and went with an agency that a few local friends had used, and had a good reputation. There are TONS of agencies out there, but we felt more comfortable going with a larger agency, and one who we knew had been in China for quite sometime. 

So, in July 2015...we applied.  We were quickly accepted by Holt, our agency, and began preparing for our homestudy.  Basically, over the course of the next few months, we were on what they call a "paper chase".  Birth certificates, marriage license, certificate of employment, medical exams, medical letters, letters of reference, tax documents, personal questionaries', fingerprints, background checks in every state you have ever lived in, photos, continuing education hours, multiple interviews with our social worker, a home evaluation (by the way..make sure you have a fire extinguisher and all drawers locked that could have something hazardous in it, like a candle). :)

The list goes on...we spent about 6 months getting all this done before our social worker completed our homestudy and it was sent to Holt for approval. 

Our homestudy, along with many many more documents and photos, are all gathered, certified by the state, authenticated by the US Embassy, and then finally gathered together to make your "Dossier."

Our Dossier was officially sent to China on April 8th, 2016!! We officially receive the title "DTC"...Dossier to China.  Once in China, the next step is for your dossier to officially be logged in to China's system.  You are then "LID." This took about 6 days...

Then over the next 4-6 weeks, your dossier is translated, reviewed...and then you begin your "wait."

So...here we are...waiting! :)

Let me tell you, the process of getting to waiting is exhausting, and at times very frustrating. There can be no typos, no discrepancies, no wording that doesn't suite China's preference, lots and lots of questioning during your homestudy, lots of phone calls, lots of overnighting of documents and waiting in line for fingerprints.  It is definitely a process. Don't get me wrong, I know it will be worth it...but wow, what a process.

Now what??  So, we wait for Holt to call us with a potential match.  We join in on monthly phone calls to hear the latest matching trends, we communicate with the matching team, our medical needs that we are comfortable with (see previous blog) and we wait. 

Right now...with Holt, the average wait for a boy is around 3 months to match. The average time to match a girl is 3-9 months.  Once you accept a match...lots and lots of more paper work.  Then, you expect to travel within 4-8 months of your match.

During this time, we are obviously also fundraising, preparing our family and home for another child, praying, praying and more praying. 

It's overwhelming at times, but so exciting too. 

We were DTC in April, so we should match between now and December.  Hopefully travel between December this year and summer of next year.  Of course, this could all change!! But, that is the current trends.

So, prayer for the matching process. Prayer for peace and clarity as we review potential files. Prayers for our physicians here, that they will be able to help guide us with the limited info they will be presented. Prayers for funds...adoption is not cheap.  Prayers for our little girl, wherever she may be. Prayers for Matt and I to grow stronger in this process, to see the Lord's heart more and more during this, to seek Him as we make difficult decisions.  Prayers for our boys, that the Lord prepares their little hearts for their new sister. Please pray with us.  This is our journey...and like they say, it takes a village. 

A Hard Goodbye

This week was by far, one of the most difficult one's Matt and I have been through.  I debated if I should even blog on this, because I didn't feel like I could even put into words the love that we had to say goodbye to. To an outsider, this scenario may seem silly to be sad about.  But this is just one of those situations where unless you are in our shoes, you have to trust and believe us when we say, we are heartbroken.

Three and a half years ago, Matt and I decided to start working with the Chin Refugee Ministry of Lewisville.  At that time, Wyatt was 18 months old, and we knew that going on international missions was not going to be on our radar for quite sometime.  So, instead, we sought out international missions in our own backyard.  Click here to read more about this amazing ministry and the Chin people. 

The Chin, are a people group from Myanmar (Burma) who have fled the country because of religious and ethnic persecution. Many families flee to neighboring countries, before coming to the US as an official refugee. The goal of this ministry is simply to love and equip the Chin people.  Many Chin have taken residence in Lewisville, and so the need of support grew, leading to the Chin Community Ministry.

There are various ways to support this ministry, but we chose to mentor a family.  What does this look like? The ministry paired us up with a family who had recently moved here and we were their "buddies."  We were their "family."  After an initial introduction with a translator, we used calendars, pictures, limited English and lots of signs to communicate with our family and begin building this relationship. 

We would use a calendar to show them when we would come back and tried to meet weekly for the first year or so.  After that, we spaced it out to every other week visits. 

Those first few months were challenging.  It was hard to communicate and the trust had not yet been built.  We wanted to help, but we didn't know where to begin.  But our children...their 3 boys, and our one boy, had an immediate bond. Language, color, race, environment did not stop them from immediately playing together and laughing.  Our love for the same God was the foundation, and then our sweet children grew our relationship. 

Week after week, we kept coming back. We would sit on the living room floor and start with pictures.  They would show us pictures of their country and we would show them pictures of ours.  We used a picture dictionary to help teach words and communicate.  We prayed together, in English and in Haka Chin.  We would bring them special American treats like donuts and cake to celebrate birthdays. We took them on first outings to places like the library, the park, the aquarium, and sno-cones.  We helped them understand their bills. We met for parent teacher conferences at the boys schools to see how they were doing. We did homework each weekend and read books.  We loved them.  They loved us.  Overtime, their family became our family.  We were one.  Isn't that how it should be? Brothers and sisters in Christ. One body.

Now I'm not going to say this has been an easy 3 and a half years. There were many Saturday mornings that I would have rather stayed in my PJ's. There were times we would be very nervous at the environment and some of the crime that took place around the apartment.  There were many times I would freak out about germs and to be honest didn't have the loving heart I should, but God's love would wash over. This was His love anyways. We love because He loved.

Then our family grew more with the addition of Xander. They loved Xander. The baby with the "Golden" hair, they would call him.  Over three years, their English grew, they grew, and our love grew.  Matt and I would talk about how one day we would see Biak walk across the stage at High School graduation.  We had dreams for their family just like our own. 

Without going into detail, our dreams were shattered this past Monday. Matt went over with the boys on a Monday that he was off work, and I was working. Within days, their situation had completely changed. Sweet mommy was gone and daddy was moving to New York with the boys.  Matt spent time with the translator trying to understand what was happening.  This couldn't be true.  They can't be leaving.  Over the course of the next 3-4 days we learned that not only were the boys and dad moving, they were moving soon.  We found out 3 days later, they were leaving Saturday.  We had less than 24 hours to get ourselves together to say goodbye. 

How do you say goodbye to this?  God, we thought we heard you? Isn't this where we were supposed to be?  And what about mommy, I don't get to say goodbye to her?  How do I hug these boys neck, knowing that I will most likely never see them again?  How do I communicate how much I love them? How do I communicate that God loves them more that I ever could?  How do I communicate that they have blessed me and my family in a way no one else has?  Please God, this can't be how this story ends. 

Heartbroken. Empty. Shock.  Devastated. Broken. Disbelief.

Those words don't even touch on the feelings that we felt this week, that we felt Friday morning hugging their necks. They don't begin to describe the emotions we feel right now. 

So we sifted through files and tried to find as many pictures as we could and printed them to give them.  I wrote notes in English expressing our love...expressing God's love.  I read the notes to daddy and the boys.  I could see in their eyes and tears, that they could see our heart. They loved us too. They were family.  They ARE family.

So this chapter in our life ends.  This was not the ending I wanted. This was not the ending we had dreamed.  But, I have to trust, that though it may seem like this chapter is over, maybe it isn't.  Maybe, there is something bigger, and I just won't see it.  Maybe I have to let go of my grip, and trust that God sees a much bigger picture.

I am not their Savior.  I love them, but there is a love much bigger than mine. So, maybe this chapter isn't over.  We just may not see how it ends until the Lord reveals it in full when we meet Him face to face. 

Until then, a piece of our hearts is empty tonight.