March 2020
Around this same time, we had heard of COVID and the virus spreading in China. At the time, I honestly was not too concerned. I didn't see the magnitude of it. Never did I imagine it would actually affect my day to day life. But within a matter of weeks, I watched as the virus spread across the globe and not one person I knew was not affected by it in some way.
I won't go into detail, but there were other circumstances and events that were happening within our family that honestly just made me question so much and made me ask a lot of very hard questions to the Lord. I felt like my faith was so weak because each day I felt surrounded by questions of why something was happening and where was God in this?
Each day as my heart felt faint, subtle reminders were also there. I knew God was there...I knew He was moving. But I could not see what He was doing. I wanted to see Him step in and save the day, to see redemption win. But that sight was not yet one for my feeble eyes to see. So the only truth I could cling to, was He was there...through each crashing wave.
When you start to question what God is doing...and when the whole world around you seems to be stuck in a war zone, it was easy and natural to question again where the Lord wanted us? Were we to sit still, as the rest of the world sits still? But God...there are children waiting. God, I know this is hard to be in my house 24/7, to not be able to see my family and friends like I used to...but God, some children would give anything to live this quarantine. I am worried about if I have enough groceries to stock pile for 2 weeks...and there are children who don't even know if they will get a meal that day. How selfish am I? My country, though it is not perfect, will take care of my illness and my kid's illness if I walk into any hospital. Many children are left abandoned without a chance to see the doors of a hospital.
During this time of reflection and questioning God, we slowly opened ourselves back up to the idea...that maybe there was a child out there waiting to join our family. Our homestudy was done, we could technically continue to move forward. But state and local government offices were closed and these needed to be opened for us to proceed with our dossier. At this same time, all travel to China was banned. I know personally several families who were weeks away from stepping on a plane to bring home their child...and now they are stuck. As the news stories ran each night, an unsettling feeling just honestly lingered over the entire thing. While we were affected by the virus at one level, there is another level that adoptive families (past, present or future) were wrestling with. How is this going to affect the future for the children who wait? Will China halt adoptions all together? When will the travel ban lift? What could this look like if we did travel? Any story over the relations between the US and China just honestly was sickening to watch. Fear was already there for the entire world I think...but this particular fear was over our relationship with my daughter's birth country and what the future would hold. In the back of my mind the question was always there...will I ever step foot in China again? And if not, how will we bring this child (whose face I have not seen) home?
Ultimately we were forced to "wait" in the next step to finishing our dossier. We had to wait for government offices to open back up and then would have to decide if we moved forward with our dossier...not knowing what the future would bring.
I'll be honest, in this time of waiting, I was scared to see my child. If I saw them, my heart would break more, knowing there was a possibility we could not bring them home quickly So we cautiously continued to follow waiting children, we waited for China to release files (which was not happening because of COVID) and we prayed for peace as we wrestled with a myriad of unknowns.
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